


Things Left Unsaid

by ivycross



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst and Humor, Character Study, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, Slash
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-06-10
Updated: 2013-02-19
Packaged: 2017-11-07 10:59:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/430326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ivycross/pseuds/ivycross
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to my first fic "Lonely at the Top."</p>
<p>Sometime has passed since shore leave on Aquis and things are not going well for Kirk and Spock.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Vulcan Hissy Fits

_Captain’s log_

_Star date 5843.2_

_As part of federation’s effort to help a budding new colony, the enterprise will be transporting a botanist, Dr. Scott Everett, to help the colony breed and genetically manipulate certain plants that would be beneficial to all life everywhere. I am given to understand that he will be conducting some of his experiments here on the ship while we make our way to the planet. Assisting him will be none other than Mr. Spock._

_  
_

Captain Kirk set down the food tray on the table with a thud. Dr. McCoy looked up from his PADD and eyed the Captain as he sat down.  “Morning Bones.” Jim mumbled cutting into his bagel. 

McCoy set the PADD aside and gave his friend a thoughtful look. “Morning Jim.” He waited. When Jim said nothing further but continued with his task of slicing the bagel in half McCoy pulled out an ace. “You and Spock had another fight I see.”

 

This caught Kirk’s attention. His head shot up, the knife in his hand almost slipping. He swallowed and looked away again, going back to his breakfast. “I have no idea what you are talking about.” The bagel was now finally in two pieces and Kirk set to work applying cream cheese.  A lot of cream cheese McCoy noted. He pursed his lips and nodded his head.  This was going to take little more effort.

“So what did you two fight about?”

 

Jim dropped his knife and glared hard at the doctor. “What makes you believe that Spock and I had a fight, Bones?”

McCoy smirked. “Because you are wearing the wrap tunic, Jim.” He said taking a sip of his coffee. 

“What?” Kirk’s face wrinkled in confusion.

McCoy took another sip of the coffee. “Your green, v-neck wrap tunic. You are wearing it right now, Jim and you only wear it for two reasons. Reason one: You and Spock had a fight and you are wearing it to arouse Spock into joining you for makeup sex, because God knows why he enjoys seeing you in that ghastly thing. Reason Two: You feel insecure about something, usually your weight, and you want to remind everyone that you are the commander of this ship.  Now since I know for a fact you have actually lost five pounds, somehow,” He looked pointedly at the cream cheese smothered bagel. “I can only assume that you and Spock had a fight and you are now going to entice him back into your arms.”

 

Jim bit into the bagel and chewed sullenly.  “Fine. Yes, we had a fight. Happy, now?” He said once he managed to swallow.

McCoy frowned. “I can’t say I’m happy to hear that, but I am curious to know what you two fought about.”

Jim sighed, setting down the bagel. “Honestly Bones, I’m not sure. We were playing chess and I won. Spock made a comment that sounded like he was sulking and I teased him little. Next thing you know I hearing ‘Jim I will have you know that Vulcans do not sulk and I would appreciate it if you were not so frivolous about making remarks that indicate such.’ I tried to say I was sorry but it was too late. Suddenly he was tired and wanted to go to his quarters to meditate before bed.”

 

McCoy lifted his brow. “So Spock had a hissy fit and now you feel bad about it?”

Jim glared. “Spock does not have “hissy fits” Bones.  I don’t know what to make of last night. I know I didn’t like going to bed alone.”  Jim’s mouth tightened and his eyes looked downcast. McCoy gave his friend a sympathetic nod. He remembered when he and ex-wife would fight. He would end up sleeping on the couch or alone in some hotel, hating every minute of it. No matter how angry you were at the other person you wanted them there beside you while you slept.

 

“So how are you going to handle this Jim? You can’t just trick Spock into sex in the hopes that it will make him forget he is angry with you.” 

At McCoy’s words Jim placed his head in his hands. “I don’t know Bones. I really do not know. I just wish that he would open up to me a little more.”  Jim looked up to see the ship’s CMO looking shocked.

“That’s a lot to ask for Jim.” 

 “I know, Bones, so that never leaves this table.”  Kirk blew out a breath “I just wish... Things were so much simpler on Aquis, you know? It was just the two of us in that hut and everything was perfect.”

 “I believe that is what is referred to as the “honeymoon”.” McCoy smirked taking a long pull from his coffee. 

Kirk frowned. “I am aware of that, Bones. I know that we couldn’t stay like that. I’m not so base as to think we could have this nice neat little relationship based on cuddling and sex. I knew that when I laid everything bare to Spock that we would have to work around our duties to this ship and to Starfleet. I knew that I would have to work around him being a Vulcan and he would have to work around me being Human.  It’s not so bad, but he's so distant sometimes. I feel like he is somewhere else.”

 

Jim sat back in his chair, slumping down and crossing his arms.  He turned his head and looked off in the distance of the mess hall. McCoy finished his coffee and sighedn shaking his head. “Well at least you care about each other, right?” When Jim didn’t answer he pushed a little, “Right?”

 

“I have told you before Bones. I love him. I adore him and I tell him every chance I get. He means the world me.”  

 

“And what does he tell you?” The look in Jim’s eyes as he finally turned his gaze back to the doctor made McCoy immediately regret asking.

Jim’s voice was soft and controlled when he spoke. “Nothing Bones. He says nothing. He has not made one remark or given one hint of how he feels about me or our relationship. Not since our first night together.”

 “Dear Lord Jim, but that was months ago.” McCoy blurted out.

Still slumped in the chair Jim shrugged. “I can’t force him to say it.” McCoy opened his mouth to reply when a shadow crossed the table.   Spock looked down at his captain and the doctor. Already one of his sculpted eyebrows was raised in question.

 

“Good Morning, Doctor. Good morning, Captain. Am I interrupting?” 

At the sound Spock’s deep silk-laden voice, Jim leapt from his seat, all traces of his hurt gone. “Good morning Mr. Spock. I trust you are doing well.”

 

“You trust I am doing what well, Captain?”  Spock’s puzzlement could have been genuine or feigned; it was hard to tell sometimes. 

“How are you today Spock?” Jim tried again. Spock nodded.

“I am as you as you say captain, fine.” 

For a moment Jim's face fell. It was gone quickly as he once again smiled brightly. “Good to hear.” He clapped Spock on the arm. Spock did not move, but looked to the captain to the doctor waiting the reply to his question. McCoy tired to look like something on his PADD suddenly caught his eye, so he did not have to play any part in this conversation.Jim was getting no help from him.  “No Spock, you are not interrupting anything. What can I do for you?” 

Spock stood even more to attention than he already was, placing his arms behind his back. “Well Captain, I just wanted to inform you that the Botanist will be beaming aboard at 14:00 hours today.” 

 Jim's eye widened.  “That is today? Thank you for reminding me Mr. Spock. I will be in the transporter room a few minutes before hand to prepare a greeting. I trust you will be there as well.”   

Spock gave a nod of his head. “But of course, Captain. I am given to understand that I was specifically requested to assist with the project until we reached the colony. I am curious to find out how this person knows of me and my own work in this field.” 

 Jim beamed at Spock. “Spock you are one of the best officers in Starfleet and an accomplished scientist. You are well known in the right circles. What would have been strange if they hadn’t requested your help.”  McCoy watched this interaction while still trying to look completely absorbed by his PADD. He watched as Jim’s chest swelled with the pride.  Also Jim was glowing ever since Spock had arrived. It was almost as if he had been dusted with a shimmer of some sort.  He  shook his head at how easily Jim could be read. It was a good thing that that two of them decided to tell the crew about their relationship, because upon seeing Jim everyone would have known any ways.

 McCoy looked at Spock and wondered what was going through the Vulcan’s mind. Did he see how proud Jim was of him? How deeply Jim seemed to care for him? Or did Spock not register these things because they did come naturally to him? McCoy looked down at his PADD and frowned.

He had been the first to find out about the relationship and he had sworn not to tell, but when he left Jim there on the porch of that hut on the resort planet he wondered how well either Jim or Spock thought this through. He knew half that answer. Jim didn’t think about things. He just let the chips fall where they may, then picked up the pieces afterwards. No, Jim would have given no thought to what would go into a relationship like this. But Spock on the other hand, he would have not rushed into this without careful consideration. What did he think was going to happen between them?

 McCoy turned his attnetion back to Jim. He was beaming at Spock his eyes wide with adoration.  “Uh Mr. Spock, could I speak with you in private?”

Spock’s expression was a static as ever. “I would see why not Captain.”

McCoy watched as the two officers exit the mess hall together. He smiled knowing that Jim would come back to the table his hair a mess, the tunic askew, with the biggest grin on his face. Later on the bridge the two would all but make kissy faces at each other and their differences forgotten. So he was surprised when Jim came back just as he left only more distraught.

 

“How did it go?” McCoy ventured to ask.

For minute Jim said nothing. Then he spoke. “He turned me down, Bones."  McCoy made a gesture with his hand to encourage Jim to keep talking.  “We went into one to the nearby conference rooms and I started to apologize for last night, but he cut me off, saying it was unnecessary. I didn’t know if he was still mad or if he had forgiven me, so I decided not to push it. I asked him to join me for lunch since we would both need to be in the transporter room at 14:00, but he said that he had to work in the labs right after shift duty ended. So I said “Well, I'll order our usual to be delivered to my quarters for dinner.’ He replied ‘I think not Captain because once we meet with the Botanist I will be showing them the labs and continuing with my work.’ Then he made it known that he would be sleeping in his quarters tonight, because he didn't know how long his work will take him and he didn't want to wake me by coming in too late.”

 

McCoy took this in but said nothing. Jim continued seemly without noticing how quiet his friend had gotten. “So I  said to him, 'You know Spock if we are not going see each for the rest of the day maybe we can spend a little time together here and now.’ He just looked at me and said, ‘Once again Captain, I will have to decline your offer. I have much to do before 14:00 so I must be going.’ As he started to leave I offered him a kiss. He did return the gesture but not before he hesitated.”

 

Jim’s eyes had turned red. He looked as if he was about to cry. McCoy looked at his two options. Tell his friend what he really thought about this, or lie. He lied. “I’m sure that Spock is just wrapped up in this whole colony nonsense. He will come around in a couple of days and the two of you will make up.”

Jim looked at McCoy, his expression saying that he knew that his friend was lying to him. “Maybe you’re right, Bones.” He looked down at the uneaten bagel and sighed. “I should head to the bridge. I will see you later.” Kirk picked up the food tray and dumped it before leaving.

 

McCoy scowled deeply as he watched Jim leave the mess hall. He began to wonder how long Jim and Spock had been having troubles and as Jim threw out the bagel it dawned on him how Jim had lost those five pounds.


	2. A Perfect Mouthful

The door to the transporter room made a whoosh as it opened for Jim. He stepped in and was immediately greeted by Scotty.  “Hello Captain.”  Kirk nodded at the man behind the controls for the transporter pad and looked around. Spock wasn’t there yet and it was five minutes till. _He must be caught up in something in the lab._  Kirk thought glumly. How many nights had he fallen asleep waiting for Spock  to find him handcuffed or wearing a smile and ribbon, only to be stood up for some “fascinating” spores? He sighed unconsciously. “Something the matter, Captain?”

Kirk shook his head and forced a smile. “Nothing's wrong, Scotty. I’m just tired.” 

Scotty paused giving his captain a long look but he smiled back. “Oh aye Captain. I know that feeling all too well.  Well, it seems it is almost time for that fancy scientist to beam abroad.” 

 “Yes it is Scotty.” Just then to door let out another whoosh and Spock walked in with Dr. McCoy behind him.  Kirk flashed Spock a thousand watt smile, but it faded quickly when Spock seemed to walk right by him with hardly a flicker of acknowledgement.  Kirk watched as Spock took his place in front of the transporter pad.  He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked back to McCoy.  Kirk took a deep breath, nodded to McCoy and took his place beside Spock.  McCoy took position on Kirk’s other side.

 “Captain, I just received word that he is ready to beam abroad.”   Scotty called over the transporter controls.

Kirk nodded his head and taking up a stance more fitting with his rank he said, “Beam him up Scotty.”  The four men watched the pad as it filled with gold light and a figure slowly formed. It took less than second and in that time there stood the loveliest woman Kirk had ever seen.

 Where could one start in their description of her as she stood before the four?  Perhaps with her hair which went past her shoulders in thick rolling waives. It was black and shone with purple highlights, which complemented the kohl rimmed forest green eyes that seemed to draw everyone into them. Those sat above high cheek bones, a slim nose and a set of full perfectly formed lips.

 She turned her head looking them over and Kirk got a good look at her pale long neck. From there his eyes were naturally drawn to her breasts which could have easily been a perfect handful. _Or,_ he thought seeing out of the corner of his eye Dr. McCoy bite his lip and swallow, _a perfect mouthful_.   Her hips matched her breasts and slim waist, all encased in a tight yet sensible black sweater dress.  The long sleeves and skirt that stopped just above the knees was enough to both cover her form and entice the observer.  She stepped down and pushed a lock of hair behind an ear. A perfectly pointed ear.

 Kirk’s attention snapped to Spock and saw for a brief moment his lover’s eyes widen and then went back to normal. “A Vulcan.” He heard McCoy whisper.   Kirk cleared his throat and step forward flashing his best smile.  “Greetings, I am Captain James Kirk and I welcome you abroad the USS Enterprise.  I’m going to go out on limb and assume you are not Dr. Everett.”  He knew enough not to offer his hand so he inclined his head to the woman.

She returned the gesture. “Thank you Captain Kirk. You are correct in your assumption. I am not Dr. Everett. At the last minute he could not make it, so I was beamed aboard in his place. I am T’Prida and I am the doctor’s associate as well as his equal in our field of study.”

 “Ah.” Kirk said lamely. She was quite striking and it was little distracting. He couldn’t image what it would have been like to work with her.  Not only did she carry herself with perfect ease and complete confidence like every other Vulcan he had met, but she was stunning to look at.  Kirk tucked his hands behind his back and flashed another disarming smile.

 “Well, please allow me to introduce you to members of my crew." He turned to McCoy. “This is my Chief Medical Officer, Dr Leonard McCoy.” Dr. 

McCoy gave a friendly smile and dip of his head.  “Ma’am.” 

Kirk turned behind him to Scotty. “This here is my Chief Engineer, Mr. Montgomery Scott.” Scotty said nothing but he too gave a polite nod of his head. “And over here,” Kirk started, his smile widening with pride, “Is my first officer Mr─” But he never got to finish.

As he started to say Spock’s name, Spock finally turned to regard the female Vulcan and she pushed passed Kirk to stand closer to Spock. “Mr. Spock, I presume.” Her voice already dripping with honey and promises seems to take on a more golden tone that made Kirk bristle.

 Spock raised one eyebrow curiosity radiating off him.  “Madame, it seems you have me at a loss. You already know who I am but this is my first time meeting you.” 

Like any good Vulcan her face showed no real expression but Kirk watched as T’Prida’s long eyelashes fluttered at Spock’s words. “I wouldn’t concern yourself with that Mr. Spock.  Just know that that in the right circles you are very well known.” 

 Kirk took this moment to try and wedge himself between the two Vulcans.  He forced out a laugh. “I believe I was just saying that very thing to Spock this morning. Wasn’t I Spock?”  Kirk nudged his first officer but Spock did not look back at his captain. He eyes remained locked on T’Prida.  In fact both Vulcans seemed to lose all interest in the three humans in the room.

 “I would like to see the labs right away, Mr. Spock.  Afterwards I would like to discuss with you the nature of the work and the testing that I have planned.” T’Prida said. 

Spock nodded. “I would be amiable to that. This way please.” He pointed towards the door and without another word from either, they left.

 Kirk stared after them, dumbfounded.  McCoy snorted looking annoyed. “I do believe we have been snubbed.”

Scotty frowned. “Aye and she was a bonny looking lass.  I mean...”  Scotty suddenly turned bright red, his face matching his tunic.0

Kirk and McCoy looked at each other and then back to Scotty, both grinning.  “Don’t worry Scotty. We won’t say anything to Uhura.”  Kirk assured his friend.  

Scotty looked relived for a moment but then he frowned again.  “Captain, not meddle in your affairs, but I thought you and Mr. Spock had...An understanding?”

Kirk’s grin was gone now replaced by a frown of his own. He looked at Scotty and shook his head. “Mr. Scott, I’m not sure what Mr. Spock and I have at the moment, but I assure you that it is not something you need to concern yourself about,” then turning to Dr. McCoy, “same goes for you, Bones.”  Before McCoy could respond Kirk turned on his heel and left the room. 

*****

 

The next day at breakfast Jim sat alone drinking his fifth cup of coffee. He didn’t look up as McCoy sat down across from him.  “Jim?” At the sound of his name Kirk looked up into concerned blue eyes. “Jim you look like hell. What happened to you yesterday after you left the transporter room?”  Kirk finished his coffee and stared into the empty cup. “I went back to my quarters, Bones.”  He said glumly.

 McCoy eyed Jim. “You just went back to you quarters?”  Kirk smashed the empty cup with the flat of his palm and flicked at it with a finger. “Yep. I caught up on my paper work, worked out, took a shower, and started a book.  It was very productive evening.”  His voice held no real inflection and his eyes seemed to stare off while he talked. 

McCoy glowered. “When did you get to sleep, Jim?”  

Kirk shrugged. “I didn’t. Not really, but I made a huge dent in that book. I should have it finished tonight.” 

“What did you have for breakfast?” 

Kirk shrugged. “I’m not really hungry. I think I’m going to get another coffee.” He stood up and walked away before McCoy could ask him if that was a good idea. He went to the replicator and pushed in his diet card. Once he had a fresh cup of coffee in his hand he turned to make his way back to the table knowing that McCoy was going to lecture him as soon as he sat down.

 He had almost reached the table, when something caught his eye. He turned his head and watched Spock walk out of the mess hall with T’Prida.  His heart sank. _How long had Spock been in the mess hall? Didn’t he see me sitting by myself? How long was he with her?_ That last thought held a nasty edge to it.  Kirk gritted his teeth and sat back down across from McCoy.   He thrust out his chin but said nothing.

It would seem that he didn’t have to.“Well, aren’t they cozy this morning?” McCoy said.

Kirk downed his coffee in one shot and smashed the cup with his fist.  “I don’t want to hear it.” 

McCoy kept his face neutral. “I was just making an observation, Jim.”   The doctor gave his captain a meaningful look and watched as Jim averted his eyes.

“Just drop it, Bones.” Kirk mumbled.

 “Fine I won’t say anything more about it. But I will tell you one thing. If I am given even half the chance I am going to ask Mr. Spock what game he thinks his playing.”  McCoy thrust out his lower jaw. 

Jim shook his head, looking down. He looked up into his friend’s eyes, “No Bones. Just leave it. I’m not some awkward boy that has to be protected. I will handle this.”

McCoy looked sullen, but nodded his head. “Alright Jim, but only cause you are my friend.” 

Kirk flashed a brief brittle smile and stood again. “Thank you. Now I need to get to the bridge. This ship won’t captain its self”   He made his exit, his shoulders too far back, chin up too much, chest out too far. He wasn’t wearing the green command tunic now, but McCoy knew that Kirk would be making a wardrobe change sometime that day.


	3. Water or Gasoline

McCoy did not bother to knock or give any indication that he was there. He just let himself into the cabin, startling Kirk, who jumped up from his chair knocking it over.  The moment he saw it was his friend he gave a brief smile. “Oh Bones. It’s you.”  He said as he set the chair upright.

“Who were you expecting?”  McCoy watched Jim’s smile falter.

“No one I suppose. What can I do for you?”

  
McCoy shrugged as he took a seat across from Kirk. He looked over the table. It was bare except for a 3d chess broad, set up ready for a game.  “There isn't anything I need, Jim. I just wanted to come by to say hello. I didn't see you in the mess hall yesterday for dinner or at all today. Since I couldn't make it up to the bridge I thought I would just stop by your cabin to see how you were.”

  
Kirk nodded and followed McCoy’s eyes to the broad. “Hey.” He said far too quickly. "Did you want to play a game?”  His eyes were too bright surrounded by dark circles.

   
“No thank you, Jim.  You know I’m not any good and it would not be fair to you since you are used to playing against Spock.”  It was gut-wrenching for McCoy watching his friend slump down.

“I guess so.” Kirk murmured. They sat in silence after that, Kirk staring at the table, McCoy watching Jim. Then Kirk spoke. “So, I ran into T’Prida in the corridor today.”   He continued to look at the table.

“Oh?” McCoy started with caution.

  
“Yeah.  I asked her how everything was going and if there was anything I could do make sure the project was success.” 

McCoy knew he was not equipped for this, but also knew it didn't matter. “What did she say?”  

  
“Oh, she let me know that everything was satisfactory and Mr. Spock was handling everything perfectly, so I did not need to offer my assistance an anyway.” Kirk finally looked up staring into McCoy’s eyes. “Bones the way she said it... I know I shouldn't think it but do you think that Spock...”  

  
McCoy cut him off. “No. Just no, Jim. I do not think Spock would ever cheat on you. So you just push that little thought out of your mind.”

  
Kirk sighed. “I know I shouldn't think that but in the face of the evidence.”

McCoy threw up his hands. “What evidence, Jim? Yeah, you and Spock haven’t exactly been getting along, and yes he has to spend a lot of time around this Vulcan gal, but he would not stoop so low.”

  
“You forgot one thing Bones. She is an attractive Vulcan gal. Very attractive and don’t you deny it. I saw the look on your face when she beamed aboard.”  Kirk eyed the doctor daring him to protest, but McCoy just winced a little.

  
“All right I will give you that, but Spock isn't like that, Jim. He isn’t affected by good looks alone. He isn’t going to jump ship for some pretty face. He doesn’t think like that. Besides Vulcans don’t do one night stands, everyone knows that. ”

  
Kirk twisted his mouth around obviously in thought. “Well no one said anything about a one night stand. Spock and I have been together for months now. Maybe things have just run their course.”  McCoy looked away choosing to remain silent. Kirk saw this and continued talking, “Maybe he just found something better.”

  
McCoy’s eyes whipped back around to face Kirk full on too bright. “Now wait a damn minute, Jim. I’m not going to sit here listen that nonsense.  Yeah she is nice to look at, but she is no James Kirk and if Spock can’t see that, then he’s a fool.”

  
Kirk gave his friend a smile and for the moment he looked like himself again. “Bones, I had no idea.” 

McCoy made a face. “Hold up there cowboy. Just because I’m man enough to admit when another man is good looking that don’t mean that I want anything more than to share a drink and be friends.”

  
“Well that is how it starts with a drink or two. Beside Spock and I started as friends.” Kirk gave a laugh as McCoy rolled his eyes. 

“Dear lord Jim. You'd flirt with a brick wall.”  McCoy tried to look exasperated but he couldn’t keep the smile off his face.  

It mirrored Kirk’s as he waggled his eyebrows. “But of course.  How else do you think I managed to win over Spock?  Lots of practice.” Kirk winked and both men howled with laughter.

  
After a minute or two, wiping tears from his eyes Kirk was able to speak again. “Thank you, Bones. I needed that, really.” 

McCoy shrugged still giggling. “Sure what are friends for?” He stood from the table. He reached over and gave Kirk’s shoulder a squeeze. “I need to get going. I have mess of paperwork to fill out down in sickbay.” 

Kirk nodded and gave a sad smile. “Okay Bones. Thank you for stopping by.”

  
“No problem.” He walked towards the doors and then stopped in the door way. “Oh. One more thing, now you did not hear this from me, but I heard from a reliable source that a certain first officer will be in his quarters for the night if a certain captain would just happen to want to practice his charms on something other than brick walls and old country doctors.”

  
Kirk nodded. “Thanks again, Bones.”

McCoy held up a hand and shook his head. “Don’t thank me, cause remember I didn’t tell you this. I know nothing about it.  Good night Jim.” With that he made his way down to sickbay, hoping that he didn’t just dump gasoline on a brushfire thinking it was water.

 

******

 

The walk down to Spock’s quarters had been nerve wracking for Kirk. He stopped one or two times thinking about turning around going back to his cabin and forgetting about the whole thing. But he steeled himself against this thinking.  

  
He wouldn’t run form this. He would go see Spock. It would nice and casual, just stopping by to say hi.  Hell, Spock might even be pleased to see him.  _Yeah and I might start believing Chekov  next time he is ranting about how everything was invented in Russia._

  
In what seemed to take hours, even though it was maybe five minutes tops and that was because he was dragging his feet, Kirk stood in front of the door to Spock’s quarters.  He drew in a deep breath, tried to relax and rang the chimes. There was a beat and then he heard the familiar voice, “Come.”  

  
The first thing Kirk did was brace himself for the heat. Spock room was kept at least seven degrees hotter than the rest of the ship. The heat even made Scotty, who practically lived in the engine room next to the warp drives, sweat. The next thing he did was attempt to disarm the Vulcan sitting at the neat little desk nearby with a dazzling smile. There was brief moment when Kirk saw a faint crack in his first’s officer’s veneer and his heart leapt to see that beautiful angular face soften just a touch.  _There’s my Spock._

  
And then it was gone, replaced with something Kirk could not read.  He watched eyes the color of raw honey look away and the mouth that he longed to kiss tighten to a thin line. “Captain...” Then as if correcting himself, “Jim, was there something I could do for you?”  His Spock was gone. Oh there was a Spock. It was first officer Spock.  It was “I am on duty” Spock.  Kirk’s Spock which had confessed his feelings on a resort planet during shore leave had been there but then it had been smothered by this colder formal version.  

  
Kirk wanted to cry. He wanted to beat at Spock’s chest and scream at him. To ask why? What had he done to push him away? Instead he smiled. “I didn’t need anything, Spock. I just wanted to stop by and say hi.” His face felt brittle and cold with the smile plastered to it. He continued on.  What was the old saying? Fake it till you make it.  “We haven’t talked in a few days. I wanted to see how you are?”

  
Spock had stood from the desk and moved around the other side, his hands as always clasped behind his back.  “I see. I am well. ” That was all he said. It was infuriating. 

   
Kirks teeth gritted together making the already waxy looking grin appear worse. He mimicked Spock’s stance and stepping slowly, he moved closer.  Kirk looked dead into Spock’s face, the grin gone, replaced with a worried frown. “What’s wrong Spock? Come on, you can tell me.”

  
Spock blinked slowly. “I have no idea as to what you are referring to.”

Kirk sighed. “Spock, please no head games. No playing dumb, no hiding... Just talk to me.” 

He saw for a moment a flicker in Spock’s eyes. “I... I am well and better for you asking.” There was a cord of warmth in his voice that weakened Kirk’s knees. His resolve broke.  

He threw he arms around Spock, burying his face into the lean chest. He squeezed the Vulcan as tight as he could.  He inhaled deeply taking in the decadent fragrance that was his lover. “Oh Spock.” He mumbled into the soft velvet tunic.  

  
Spock tensed his whole frame going ridged and then slowly he relaxed bringing his arms around Kirk’s stocky shoulders.  Kirk could have wept. That’s how good it felt to have those arms around him.  He placed his head on a shoulder and nuzzled there feeling a measure of peace in his first officer’s arms.

  
Then it too was gone. Spock’s arms withdrew and he pushed Jim away.  “I’m sorry Jim, but I have work to complete.”  He picked up a PADD from the desk and started to move away.  

Kirk grabbed an arm desperately. “Wait. Spock don’t go.” He held on like a drowning man. He knew what he must have looked like but he did not care, not now.

  
“I know you are busy and I don’t want to keep you from your duties but I was hoping that we could...” He trailed off feeling foolish, but he rallied.  He gave Spock a smile and pulled the lean form back to him.  He placed a hand on the side of Spock’s face almost swooning at the feel of the hot skin under his fingertips.

   
“Spock, my Vulcan prince, don’t leave please. Stay just a little longer and let’s move this to the bed. Spend a little time with your captain.”  He gave a wink and what should have been an infectious smile.  But as Spock removed Jim’s hand from his face and pulled out of Jim’s grip, the smile faltered.  He let out a whimper. “Spock, please...”

  
Spock suddenly snapped. He gripped Jim’s arms their eyes locking. “Jim I cannot take this any longer. If I engage with you in intercourse, will you leave me be?”  

  
There as a moment of silence as Jim stared  in wide eyed disbelief at Spock’s words.  Spock froze blinking in shame at his lapse of control.  Jim pulled out of Spock’s grip, his face discolored with fury and hurt.  Straightening his tunic and thrusting of his jaw, Kirk said. “Let me save you a step, Commander.” He moved passed Spock and started to towards the exit.

  
 “Jim, wait. I did not mean...” 

 “Save your words Spock.  I know you are busy so I’m going to give you what you want and leave you alone. Maybe after some time you will figure out how you feel about me.”

  
“Jim, you know how I feel about you or at least you should.”

Kirk stopped in tracks and turned a hard eye on Spock. “Should I?”

  
Spock nodded.  Jim pursed his lips and turned face the Vulcan fully. “Well let’s say I don’t. Tell me, Spock. Tell me how you feel. I want to hear you say it to me right here and now.”

Spock went ridged shutting his eyes tightly.  He took a breath and opened his mouth, but shut it with a snap.  He shook.  His eyes opened and Jim saw the pain there. “I cannot.”

Jim blinked back tears. “Good evening, Commander.”  With that he left walking fast to his cabin so no one would see his face.

 

******

 

  
McCoy stepped onto the bridge as the turbo lift doors opened. It was a quiet day down in sickbay, so he thought he would stop in on Jim, maybe get him to sneak away to tell him how last night went.  The air on the bridge was tense and oppressive. McCoy frowned, looking over at Uhara.  She gave a weak smile and titled her head towards the captain’s chair.  _Oh damn_. McCoy thought to himself. He walked up to where Kirk sat glowering at the view screen.  “Hey there Jim.”

  
“Bones.” That was it. Not “Hey Bones.” Or “Bones!” Just “Bones.” 

McCoy licked his lips and tried again. “How are you today?”

“I am fine, Bones.”  At least this time Kirk looked over at the doctor, but McCoy could see that Jim was far from fine.  

“Are you sure?”

“Yes Dammit!” Kirk shouted and thumped the arm of his chair.  Everyone on the bridge jumped. Well almost everyone.  Spock at his station did not even so much as flinch.   McCoy noted this and knew exactly how things went last night.  

  
Kirk was taking a few deep breaths.  He turned to McCoy fully. “I’m sorry, Bones. I’m a little tense this morning and everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, no matter how many times I tell them I fine.” He tired to give a smile but came out as a grimace.  “Was something I could do for you?”

  
McCoy shook his head. “No Jim. I was just stopping by but you know if you need anything just come by sickbay and we’ll get you set up.  Maybe all that sleep you’re not getting is starting to take its toll on you.”

Kirk rubbed his face with his hands. “Maybe, thank you Bones.” McCoy just nodded.

  
At that moment the turbo life door opened and out walked T’Prida.  She made a straight beeline to Spock not seeming to notice anyone else.  “Mr. Spock, I must apologize for this intrusion. I know that you are on duty but I urgently need your assistance in the lab.” 

Spock stood straight up and turned to Kirk. “Captain, it seems that I am needed in the labs. You will of course excuse me?”

  
Without looking at his first officer, Kirk spoke. “But of course Commander. I’m sure Mr. Chekov will be happy to fill in for you.” The captain’s tone was sharp and cold.

Chekov flinched. “I vould, Keptin?”

Kirk ignored the question in Chekov voice.  “See? You are dismissed Commander.”  

  
Spock nodded his head and with T’Prida, he left the bridge.  So did half the tension in the air.   McCoy watched Kirk exhale and place a hand over his eyes.  “Bones, what do you have in your special store?”

McCoy knew what that meant. What was he carrying in the liquor cabinet he hid in his office?  Kirk must have been bad off to ask that in front of everyone.  “What do you want Jim?”

  
“Anything that will make my brain shut down, so that I will stop feeling.”  McCoy looked around the bridge without moving his head.  Everyone else was doing the same thing. Everyone meeting everyone else’s eyes but no one daring to move or speak.  “I might have something for that.” McCoy said quietly. So it had been gasoline after all.


	4. Coming Out With It

“Ha. Read 'em and weep.” Two well manicured hands placed down cards showing a winning hand.  Everyone else at the table groaned as Janice Rand laughed, pulling the stack of poker chips from the center of the table towards her.

  
    “I swear you're hiding extra cards in that fancy hairdo of yours,” Doctor McCoy said with no malice. He smiled at her, tossing his cards on the table. 

Patting her hair gently with her open palm, Janice stuck out her tongue.  “I’ll give you another chance to win it back, Leonard.”  She said batting her eyes.

 “No thank you. I have learned my lesson this evening. I think I will just sit back and watch everyone else make fools of themselves. Besides, I still have alimony and child support to pay this month. I don't want to deal with lawyers over the COMM in deep space.”

There was a chuckle from Sulu. “I've heard there are Klingons that are nicer than your ex’s lawyers.” 

McCoy took a sip of his drink and let out a mirthless little laugh. “You said it.”  

"Vell, I'm still in. Vhose deal is it?" Chekov piped in excitedly. 

Scotty took a sip of his drink and raised a hand. "That would be me, laddie.  Lemme see them cards, darling." Then catching a meaningful glance from Uhura he added, "I mean, Janice." Everyone at the table laughed as one at the Scotsman's discomfort.  Scotty looked around sheepishly, while Uhura gave him a smile and reassuring pat on the arm.  He grinned back at her as he shuffled the deck in his hand. He held out the cards for her to cut, but she tapped them with her finger, letting him know that she trusted him.

"Alright same as before, seven card stud, nothing fancy." Scotty dealt out cards to everyone but Dr. McCoy, who leaned in his chair to peer at the cards in Nurse Chapel's hand.  She gave him look of mock annoyance and shoved him with her shoulder.

Uhura looked over her hand, shook her head and folded her cards setting them face down.  "I'm out," She declared. 

Sulu snorted. "No one's laid out any bets yet." 

Uhura set back in her chair. "I know bad hand when I see it. I would rather not risk it."   Sulu shook his head but said nothing further.

Everyone else laid out their bets and the game played on. This time after long period of meeting and rising, it was down between Janice and Scotty.  "Alright lass, I will see your hundred credits and raise you two hundred." Everyone looked from Scotty to Janice as he tossed his chips into the pile.

Janice chewed her lip and then shook her head. "I'm out."  She tossed her cards down and folded her arms over her chest.  "Alright, let's see 'em. I want to know what you had." Grinning like a Halloween pumpkin Scotty gently placed his hand down for everyone to see.  Janice stared in disbelief.   "A pair? That was your winning hand? Oh my goodness. I had a straight. I could have been beaten you." She gave an exasperated smile.

"That's why it's call buffing, lassie." Scotty beamed collecting the chips from the table.

Janice rolled her eyes still smiling. "So you going to give me a chance to win it back?"

Scotty winked and stood from the table. "Maybe next time. It's getting late and I promised someone that I would take a look at the temperature controls in her room before the night was out." He gave Uhura a shy smile as she stood next to him.

Dr. McCoy snickered. "Is that what you kids are calling it these days?"  The whole table erupted in laughter as both Scotty and Uhura blushed, making their way from the table.  

Christine Chapel turned in her chair to face McCoy. "Leonard really, you shouldn't embarrass them like that." 

McCoy shrugged and replied.  "Then they shouldn't hide it. We all know about them, so they should just come out with it."

"That's right." Sulu exclaimed as he sat back in his chair crossing his arms. "They should just come out with it. The captain and Mr. Spock did." Chekov nodded in agreement beside him. 

McCoy shared a look with both Janice and Christine. "And what about you two?" He inquired.

At that moment both Sulu and Chekov resembled deer in headlights. "Vhat about us?" Chekov asked trying to keep his voice steady. 

McCoy smirked knowingly. "What indeed? Okay you two.  I'm feeling nice, so I won't call you out this time. But next time I might not be so nice, or sober." He chuckled to himself as the helmsman and the navigator quickly excused themselves from the table.

"Did you take nasty pills today, Doctor?" Janice asked. 

McCoy gave her a look, raising one eyebrow. "My dear, that is not me being nasty. You will know when I am being nasty."  He smiled sweetly as he finished that last remark.

Janice nodded her understanding.  "Well, it would seem that is it for our poker night, since half the players have left the table. I think I will turn in too. Goodnight Christine. Goodnight doctor."  

Chapel and McCoy said their good nights to Janice as they watched her leave the rec room.  McCoy picked up the cards and started to shuffle them with an easy manner.  "So, Christine? Go Fish?"

Chapel giggled turning in her chair to face the doctor completely. "Sure." She replied.

He dealt out the cards and they started their game when Chapel looked up to the sound of the rec room door opening. "Oh look. There's the Captain."  Doctor McCoy looked up from his cards as Chapel waved Kirk over to their table. It had been two days since the doctor had seen Kirk on the bridge and the captain had looked worse for wear then, but now for one reason or another he looked slightly better.

McCoy was just happy knowing that Kirk had not decided to drink his problems away as he had originally feared.  He didn't want to heckle his friend while he was having issues with Spock but he knew that if Kirk had raided the special store in sickbay, then he would have had to stepped in and it would have gotten ugly. McCoy smiled to himself as Kirk approached the table and sat down, he himself all smiles for the nurse and the doctor.

"Bones, Nurse Chapel. How are you this evening?" Kirk greeted them both. 

"Oh we are doing just fine captain and yourself?" Chapel answered.   

Kirk smiled casually at her and McCoy.  "I'm fine.  So I take it I missed the poker game."

"You sure did, Jim. Which is good thing too because Janice mopped the floor with the rest of us. That is until Scotty beat her. Needless say you would have ended up as sad and broke as I am."  McCoy saw Kirk laugh at his words, feeling a little relief there.  He exchanged another look with Chapel and saw that she was thinking the same thing.  

"So what are you two playing?" Kirk asked jovially.

Chapel smiled back at the captain. "Go fish, Captain." She let out a chuckle as Kirk gave her and the doctor an amused expression.

"My goodness. Go fish? On my ship? Tell me it isn't so?" His expression and tone was one of mock horror. 

McCoy pretended to scowl. "Har har, Jim. Why don't you get ya a drink from the replicator and stay awhile. We'll deal you in for the next game and you too can join in on the debauchery."

Kirk laughed.  "Well, when you put it like that how can I refuse?" He stood from the table and made his way to the replicator. Then with a drink in hand Kirk took his place back the table just as Spock walked into the room. He made for the table and with arms behind his back he addressed Kirk.

"There you are Jim. I have been looking for you for some time now. I was wondering if I could speak with you in private."  McCoy and Chapel exchanged knowing looks.

Kirk smiled up at the Vulcan.  "But of course Mr. Spock. Bones, Nurse Chapel if you will excuse me?" He stood from the table and followed Spock from the room.

"Well it seems that they are getting along again." Chapel remarked.

McCoy looked over his cards at his nurse and nodded. "So it would seem. I don't know what happened over the past few days and I don't care so long as they are happy and I don't have to deal with them." 

Chapel arched an eyebrow at the Doctor.  "Are you saying you don't like playing couples counselor?" 

McCoy frowned and shook his head. "Jim and Spock are both my friends and I care for them both very much, but when they get along that is on less ulcer I have to deal with."

After a while something started to nag at the back of McCoy's mind. He tried to ignore it but more he tried the more it demanded his attention. Finally putting down his cards, he stood from the table. "Is there something wrong Doctor?" Chapel asked.

McCoy looked down at Chapel's concerned face of and grimaced.  "I don't know. I hope not, but I need to find out for sure. If you will excuse me."

McCoy made his way out of the rec room to the nearest conference room. It was empty. He stood in thought and then made his way to the captain's quarters. McCoy rang the bell and the door opened with no reply from the other side. The doctor stepped in slowly finding Kirk sitting at the same table from two days before.

The captain's face was blotchy, his eyes red, arms crossed over his chest tightly as if hugging himself.  Before him was the 3d chess broad knocked over on its side, the prices scattered about.  Kirk did not look up as McCoy approached the table and sat down.  "Jim? Is everything okay?"  McCoy asked quietly.  Kirk shook his head but said nothing.

 "What's happened Jim? Where's Spock?" McCoy reached over the table and gently touched one of Kirk's arms. 

Kirk swallowed. "I don't know where Spock is and frankly I don't care to know where Spock is."

McCoy raised an eyebrow in alarm.  "What happened?"

"He left me Bones. He took me in that conference room nearby and he told me that this wasn't working out. That he needed to proceed with the most logical course of action and we would both be better off this way." Kirk sighed and closed his eyes. "He doesn't want me anymore. He doesn't love me anymore." Another pause as fresh tears started down the captain's face. "Hell I don't think he ever loved me. I was a fool, Bones."

McCoy looked in the heartbroken face of his friend, feeling the rage building. He pushed it back down and spoke softly.  "Christ Jim, you are not fool. Spock is the fool if he can't see what he is losing here. I know people that would give teeth and arms just to stand next you, let alone be in a relationship with you. So, Spock is the idiot here not you."

Kirk gave his CMO a look. "Really? Well Bones,  if I am so great then why am I the one sitting in his cabin crying, while Spock is perfectly fine out looking for her."

McCoy was suddenly confused.  "Her? Her who?"  Then it dawned on him and the rage flared back to life.  "No." He exclaimed.  "Spock wouldn't. Surely he wouldn't."

  
"Let me tell you what happened after he dumped me and I came back here. I ran into Spock's new best friend and she stopped me in front of my cabin door. And do you know what she said to me?  'I offer to you my condolences, Captain Kirk. I heard about the demolishing of your relationship with Mr. Spock and I  understand that this must be upsetting for you being human and subject to your emotions, but it should give you comfort to know that Mr. Spock made the best decision for you both. After all the nature of your relationship with him was not logical."

Now Kirk's face was no longer blotchy. It was stark white with his own anger.  "She knew Bones. She damn well knew!" Kirk's voice was soft but the fury was there.

McCoy's own wrath burned in sympathy. The doctor ground his teeth as his blue eyes blazed.  "That pointed eared, green blooded, heartless son of bitch. He told her. How could he?"

Kirk shook his head. "No Bones, it's not that simple. It had just happen when she approached me, so how could he have had time to talk to her?" Kirk watched as understanding dawned on McCoy's face. 

"She knew that it was going to happen," The doctor said. 

Kirk nodded again and spoke. "He had planned this and he shared with her what he was going to do."

"I'm sorry, Jim." McCoy gave Kirk's arm another squeeze from where he sat."  Kirk gave him sad smile. "Thanks Bone, but don't worry about me. I will be okay." 

McCoy gave Kirk an apprising look.  "Will you?" 

Kirk's face hardened like granite. "I don't get choice in the matter. I have to be for my ship and crew. And who knows, Maybe this is for the best. I have been so busy fawning over Spock that I have forgotten about what was really important. My Ship. My career.  No Bones, I will be just fine."

McCoy nodded. "Well, I will say one thing when I see that hobgoblin I am going to give him a piece of my mind."

Kirk held up a hand.  "No. That will not be necessary. Before it was over I said I few choice things to Spock.  Some that were pretty nasty, so I think at this time nothing else needs to be said."

"I'm sure whatever you said it was still too good for him, but I will do as you ask." McCoy crossed his arms over his chest. 

"Thank you." Kirk muttered the last of his anger leaving him. He slumped down in his chair and McCoy followed suit across the table.

"Do you need anything, Jim?"  McCoy asked.

Kirk shook his head. "No Bones.  I don't need anything, but could you maybe just stay for bit?" 

McCoy smiled at his friend and nodded. "Yeah. I can do that, Jim."  

Kirk gave him a tight lipped smile of thanks and they sat quietly together. At one point McCoy stood up, moved around the table and sat in the chair next to Kirk's. Without a word he placed one arm around his friend and Kirk laid his head on the doctor's shoulders.

"Thank you, Bones."

"Sure thing, Jim."


	5. Having a Thing...

The corridor stretched out before him for what seemed to be miles instead of yards.  The light were dimming as the ship's computer registered the time and officially declared it to be night. Mr.Spock took a deep breath and rolled his shoulders back before continuing his trek down the walkway.  His face was impassive as always, which was impressive considering what had just transpired in the nearby conference room.

 Spock  didn't like that he hurt Jim but it had to be done. It  could not have been put off any longer. He  reflected on how fortunate  it had been to have the conference room nearby. It would have been folly to break the news to Jim in either of their quarters and he could not have done the deed in the rec room. No. Jim deserved better than to be humiliated in front of his crew. Spock's  mind raced as he moved with purpose. He remembered the look on Jim's face as he broke the news.

 "What? Why Spock? Why?" Jim stared  open mouthed at his first officer.  Spock stood before Jim assuming his typical stance with his arms behind his back, instead of looking his captain he maintain watchful eye on the floor in front of him.

When he spoke, his voice was quiet and calm.  "I am sorry Captain, but this is no longer beneficial for either us, so in my opinion it would be logical to terminate this relationship. I, of course, will continue to serve under you as first officer if you wish."

 Jim kept his arms at his sides, his hands balling themselves into fists.  His lips thinned into a tight line as he glared at Spock. He gave a mirthless little laugh as he address the Vulcan. "How generous of you, but please I wouldn't want you to put yourself out like that.  I'm sure you would rather request another assignment, or maybe even turn in your resignation.  Will T'Prida be needing assistance once she reaches the colony? You could go with her."

 Spock finally looked his captain in the eyes and was struck by how dark they were. Gone were the little flecks of green and gold.  They were solid brown and they burned from the inside out. "Captain?" Spock titled his head slightly.

 "Don't  "captain" me. You heard me and you damn well understood.  I don't know if you are aware of this Mr. Spock, but your captain isn't just a pretty face. I can put two and two together easily and I'm coming up with four no matter how you try to make me think it's a six. But I  wouldn't worry about me if I were you, Spock." Jim folded his arms behind his back and leaned in toward his first officer.

 "And why is that Captain?" Spock asked feel that he should be backing away. At that moment Jim had a dangerous look to him.

 "Because I will be fine, Spock. I will get back up and move on. Did you think that you could break me? I'm Captain James Tiberius Kirk. I have loved and lost more than someone like you can even fathom. Oh yes, Spock. Just remember, you weren't the first and you won't be last. There are countless people on this ship alone that would love to take your place. There will be a queue a mile long outside my door before the night is over, so don't you worry your little Vulcan head about me." Kirk's lips turned into a sneer and Spock straightened his eyes going wide for a mere second.

 "Very well, captain. I'm glad to see you are taking this so well. Of course, your words have help me to realize that I have made the right decision. If you will excuse me, Captain..." Spock  stepped forward and without a second look at Kirk he left the conference room. He of course did not see what happened after he left.

Now Spock stood before another door. It slid open before him and he reminded himself that this was the right path as he stepped in. Spock peered around theobservation deck and then approached the only other figure there. T'Prida stood before the open glass watching the galaxy pass by as if it was no more than water running down a drain pipe.  She turned slowly towards him and bowed her head in greeting. "Spock." She purred.

 Spock drew close, swallowing even though his mouth had gone dry. "T'Prida." He replied. He looked in her green eyes as they seemed to glitter at the sound of her name.  She tipped her head down and moved over to where there was a small bench seat.  She sat gesturing for Spock to join her. He did so with tight stiff motions.

 "I saw the captain as I was coming here." T'Prida mentioned casually as if she was remarking on the weather. "He looked quite shaken. I trust you were not too hard on him." 

Spock gave her a level look before responding.  "That would imply that I let my emotions control the situation, which I did not."

T'Prida raised in eyebrow. "Of course not. You are a Vulcan after all and a very desirable one at that." She reached out with one hand to touch him, but Spock drew back slightly and looked down at the floor, gripping his hands together in his lap.  

"If you say so." He remarked.

 T'prida showed no indication that Spock reaction offended. She blinked slowly, observing the man before her. "I most certainly do.  You are quite the catch, Spock." T'Prida paused for moment before continuing on.  "T'Pring is just now coming to realize that." She  said the words offhandedly.

At the mention of his ex, Spock's head whipped up.  "T'Pring?  Why would you mention her?" 

 T'Prida's eyes lit up amused.  "I did not like to say when I first came aboard the ship, but I did not come here by chance. I worked very hard to get here. To meet you and make your acquaintance." She turned to look out the observation window at the galaxy swirling around them.

 Spock' brow met in bewilderment. "What does T'Pring have to with this?" He asked, his carefully conditioned voice speaking slowly.  As her head turned back to face him T'Prida's hair moved about her, catching the low light of the room making her purple highlights shimmer.

 "I used to work with T'Pring. We did research together at the VSA. I was the closest thing she had to friend and  one day she confided in me.  She told about you and Stonn and what happened when you came to Vulcan during your time. She told me about her regrets to not consummate her Bonding with you. Apparently Stonn is not what she expected." For a fraction of a second the corners of  her sculpted lips curled up, before settling back.

 "Having a thing is not the same as wanting..."  Spock said speaking to himself but T'Prida nodded her head as if he was addressing her still.

"Indeed.  When T'Pring spoke to me of you, I was impressed and I went out to find out more about you. Once I learned everything I could from hearsay, I decided that my next course of action would be to meet you. When the opportunity presented itself and  I took it."

 Spock shook his head. "You made me a quest. A prize to be won." 

T'Prida tilted her head her eyes going wide for a moment. "Indeed. I sought what someone else was foolish enough to let go of. I course will not be so foolish. I have won your attentions and we can now plan our bonding."

 "Bonding? You would wish to bond with me?" Spock was having trouble absorbing what was being said. The conversation seemed to be moving too fast and he was left floundering in it.

 "Indeed, Spock. Unlike T'Pring,  I will not turn down such an opportunity. To  be bonded with you is more than Vulcan lady could ask for. Overlooking that you are not pure Vulcan, you still hail from a prominent clan that if I join will only prove to be a benefit..."

 T'Prida continued to speak but Spock no longer heard her.  From within his mind a memory sprang forth and he was suddenly looking into the warm, smiling face of his captain.  Jim's eyes sparkled and he had that lopsided grin to his face that Spock loved so much.

  _"So what you are telling me is that you're Vulcan Royalty?" Jim said beaming at Spock.  He then turned in his chair to face the other person in the room. "You hear that Bones?  I have a prince on my ship."_

  _From where he stood along the wall in Jim's quarters,  Doctor McCoy huffed. "Well that explains the attitude." He commented and smiled.  Kirk chuckled as he turned back from the doctor to Spock who was sitting at the table next to his captain with his arms crossed over his chest._

  _"Jim, there is no royalty on Vulcan and there hasn't been for centuries. You asked about my clan's background and I answered honestly." Spock was trying to sound annoyed but wasn't quite managing it in the face of his gleeful lover and his charming words._

  _Kirk made an attempt to suppress his smile, but the effort just made him look silly. Spock raised an eyebrow at him and Kirk could no longer try. He broke into a grin anew and linked one arm with Spock's, pulling the Vulcan closer.   Spock looked into hazel eyes and felt the familiar feeling of being swept out to sea, carried away on a tide of emotion. He knew that he should fight it but he did not want to at that moment._

  _"I know Spock" Jim said. "But you have to admit, your family history is very impressive. I don't know if I can compete." Kirk turned back to look at McCoy._ _"What do you think Bones? Do I have a shot?"_

_Mccoy frowned and shook his head. "A lowly farm boy like you, Jim?  Not a chance." He said teasing._

  _Kirk stuck out his lip in a mock pout. "Awww, that 's too bad. I liked the idea of dating a prince. I was hoping I would get be his consort. Maybe wear a slash over my uniform or a coronet?"_

_McCoy laughed at Jim, raising his eyebrow again. "Maybe a pretty dress, Jim?"_

  _"Maybe." Kirk said he eyes bright and merry at the joke. Spock continued to sit with his arms crossed over his chest looking exasperated with the two humans, but deep down he was enjoying their playful banter. Turning back to his captain, he raised his eyebrow at him one more time._

  _Spock's expression was met with more laughter from both the captain and CMO.  He looked into the Kirk's eyes again and  this time felt the well-known spark in his body.  Jim himself was no longer laughing, but a provocative smile graced his face as he returned Spock's stare.  McCoy saw the look pass between the two and took his cue._

  _"Whelp, look at the time. You must excuse me, but I have some medical reports to finish before I turn in tonight."  The sound of the doctor's voice broke the human and Vulcan from their trance. They both straightened up, looking sufficiently embarrassed._

  _"Bones, you don't have to go. Those reports can wait until morning." Kirk said._

_McCoy gave them both a knowing leer. "Oh I don't think so, Jim. I better get on these ASAP. You all have yourselves a good evening."  And with a suggestive wink, he was gone._

  _"Well. What do you want to do now, Mr.Spock?" Jim leaned back into Spock's arm. Spock looked up from his hands a thoughtful expression on his face. Kirk noticed this. "What is it, Spock?"_

  _"Jim, do you really feel intimidated by my family's background?" Spock asked._

_Kirk leaned back and took Spock's face in his hands. "That was a joke, Spock. I thought you knew that."_

  _"I am aware of that, but I wanted to be sure. Others when they learn about my family tend to let it affect how they treat me. I just wanted know if..." Here Spock trailed off seeing the frown on Jim's face._

  _"Spock,"  Jim spoke slowly, "I do not care about your family, who they are or any of that. I care about you.  That is like asking if I care you are Vulcan."_

  _"Do you, Jim?" Spock inquired._

_Jim blew out a breathe and rolled his eyes but not unkindly. He gave the Vulcan an amused smile. "No. Even though those pointed ears are cute." Moving closer to Spock, Jim took a green tipped point between his lips._

_Spock shivered and pulled away. "Jim." He said reprimanding the human._

  _Kirk gave Spock a good-natured smile and spoke.  "Spock, I want you to know that I don't care about all that other nonsense because that is what it is to me. You could be from a family of dirt farmers from the most impoverished planet in the universe and you would still be my prince and I would still get to live out my own personal fairytale with you."_ _Jim placed a  quick kiss on Spock's lips and looked into his eyes. "Does that answer your questions, my  prince?"_

_Spock's peered back at  Jim and felt the heat rush to his face.  "Yes."  He said softly._

  _"Good." Kirk started to wrap his arms around Spock , but Spock suddenly stood. Surprised Kirk watched as his first officer pulled out his chair and lifted him into his arms. "Spock, what are you doing?"_

  _Spock peered down at JIm. "Well Jim, in my studies I have come across a few of your so called "fairytales." They usually end with the prince carrying off the object of his attentions, so that they may live happily ever after." There was a playful look in Spock's eyes._

_Jim placed his arms around Spock's neck as he placed a kiss on the line of his jaw. "I love you, Spock. " Kirk whispered in one pointed ear. Spock said nothing as he made his way to the bed._

_*****_

"Spock."

 Abruptly Jim was gone and in front of Spock was T'Prida, one eyebrow arched. "Were you listening?"  Spock took a deep breath and nodded, not trusting himself to speak. T'Prida gave him a look that said quite clearly that she didn't not believe him but wasn't going to make an issue of it that this time.

 "As I was saying." She continued speaking.  "It is all well and good your career  in Starfleet but it does not do for you to continue this course. You need to step up Spock and take on a more important role in society."  T'Prida crossed her legs a she spoke. Spock pursed his lips, contemplating what she just said. 

 "I find what I do for Starfleet to be important. Very important in fact." He stated with conviction. 

T'Prida gazed at Spock as she spoke.  "And it is, Spock. I am not saying that it is not important, but it is beneath you. You should take a role in society that reflects you status and background. To be honest I was considering that you should do diplomatic works, like your father."

 Both of Spock's eyebrows moved up. "My father? I have no interest in doing what my father does."

T'Prida narrowed her eyes. "I cannot see why not. You don't think you can just be a scientist on a starship for the rest of your life?"

 ******

_Kirk peered down at the petri dishes on the table under him and then back to Spock.  "So they're colorful , Spock? So what? I don't see the big deal."_

_Spock' dark eyes bore into Jim's. "Well Captain, you see it is because they are colorful that they significant. One of the remarkable things about this plankton is that it will change its color based on what it comes in contact with. Observe."  He raised a hand before Jim's face and then slowly lowed it into the dish of floating algae. Jim watched as Spock's finger touched the water the algae floated in, they went from blue to a vivid green._

  _Kirk looked back to Spock who had been watching his captain expectantly.  Kirk's face was mixture of awe and  amusement.  "So, tell me why their colors are important."_

  _Spock's posture changed reflecting the pleasure of sharing his discovery as he continued on.  "Well you see Captain each color of the plankton carries different energy levels. It is no secret that Starfleet is wanting to develop a ship that uses bio-energy for its engines and processors. These plankton could be the start of making  those plans a reality. Of course this will not come to fruit in the foreseeable future, but perhaps in a hundred years or so it could be a possibility."_

  _Now Kirk really was in awe. "Incredible. And you discovered this?" The wonder and adoration in Jim's face was obvious and it made Spock feel hot in the cool lab._

_He swallowed and tugged at the hem of his tunic as he replied. "Well no. We already knew about the plankton and its ability to change colors, but it was not till recently that I and my team here in the labs found the energy they produced, so I cannot take the credit."_

  _Kirk smiled warmly across the table. "You are too modest, Spock." He peered down at the dishes again and he gently touched the surface of the water. At once the algae turn gold, seeming to shimmer.  The captain let out a little laugh and turned back to Spock._ _"You know Spock, if anything else they are really quite lovely."_

_Kirk looked into Spock's unreadable expression. Spock leaned over the table towards Kirk, his eyes glittering.  "They are lovely, but I have far more beautiful things."_

  _Those dark eyes met Jim's and Spock watched a slow blush creep up his captain's face.  Jim dropped his eyes and  He leaned in closer to Spock so that their lips were barely touching. Slowly raising his eyes back to met the Vulcan's once more, he said.  "You know Spock, I think I have as well."_

  _There was a low sound from Spock and Kirk closed his eyes as their lips met.  Jim lips were like warm velvet as Spock's mouth brushed against them and as his captain sighed, Spock got the sensation of floating.  When he pulled back Spock looked back into Kirk's eyes, the pupils now blown-wide and his mouth parted ever so slightly.  They held each other's gaze for a moment, before Jim spoke._

  _"I love you, Spock." He said softly.  Spock said nothing in return but pressed his forehead to his captain's and let out a content little sound as his hand met Kirk's over the dish of golden plankton._

_******_

"Spock?"

 Spock was once again whipped out his thoughts by the sound of T'Prida's voice.  He looked at her fully and saw that despite her cool Vulcan exterior, she was very annoyed.  "I do not understand, Spock. You asked me to meet you here to talk and yet this whole time you have not heard a word I have said. You were somewhere else completely. I will say this, we need to get you off this ship. You have been around these Humans for too long and they have rubbed off on you. Being that you are only Half Vulcan, you seem to need all the help you can get to maintaining your control."

 Spock  cleared his head of that that last memory. "Leave the Enterprise?" He whispered. Spock  took this in and the reality set in.  If he went through with this he would leave the Enterprise. He would go back to Vulcan and become an ambassador like his father. He would bond with T'Prida and they would live out their lives together in a manner befitting  two Vulcans of their station. He would leave the ship, Starfleet, his studies and his captain all behind him. He would leave Jim...

  Suddenly Spock was on his feet.  He cleared his throat, peering down at the now startled T'Prida. "Please excuse me. I have come to the realization that I have made a grievous error and I must make haste to correct it." 

 Spock turned to go when a hand gripped his wrist. He paused mid-step, only turning his head to look back at T'Prida, her face now a very un-Vulcan like mask of hurt and confusion.   She looked up at him as she spoke. "Wait. Don't go, Spock. Please, I have waited and searched for you for so long. Please stay."  Her green eyes pleaded with him. 

 Spock shook his head slowly. "I cannot and I am sorry, but I do not belong with you and I know this now. I must go because I don't have much time to correct my error."  Understanding dawned on T'Prida's pretty features. Letting go of Spock's wrist, she rose from the bench.

 "It's him. Your captain. You're going back to him. Why? That is not logical.  What can he give you that I cannot?"  T'Prida was shaking and Spock thought he saw the formation of tears in her eyes. He turned back to her placing the first two fingers of his right to the side of her face and stroked her cheek once.

 "I am truly sorry that I have done this to you. I did not mean to compromise you like this, but I cannot give you what you want. I am not what you need. I wish you luck in your search.

 Once more Spock turned to go. As the door open to the corridor, T'Prida called out to him for a second time.  "Please Spock, tell me. What can he give you?" 

Spock paused in the doorway the dim lights from the hall casting a shadow on his face as he turned back to her.  "I cannot begin to tell you because it is difficult to explain, but I desire it greatly." He said and then he was gone. 

 

****

 

 

Doctor McCoy sighed as the door to Jim's cabin shut behind him. He had finally convinced the captain  to have a good night's rest, telling Jim  that  everything would look better in the morning.  McCoy frowned knowing this wouldn't not be the case but Jim needed to sleep. Of course it had not been easy to get Jim to bed, McCoy thought glumly.  The captain had been hurt and angry over the whole thing. That in turn made him restless and difficult to deal with.

 McCoy sighed again and rubbed his face with one hand as he headed towards his own quarters. He needed some sleep too he realized. He would need all the rest he could get, because now on top of everything else, he was going have to be Jim's personal counselor and shoulder to cry on. _But it wouldn't be  so bad._  

The doctor knew that Jim had done the same for him. Those long dark night abroad the ship when he missed his ex-wife and his little girl, Kirk had been there for him.  The captain would pour bourbon into glasses of ice and nod sympathetically as the doctor would reflect on how everything went wrong in his marriage. _So, I can return the favor._   

 As he walked on, he caught sight of figure approaching at speed. As it got closer McCoy saw that it was Spock, a look of determination marring his normal stoic features. McCoy scowled and moved right into Spock's way. He knew that he a had told Jim that he would not confront Spock about what had happened this evening, but damnit some things just needed to be done. 

 "Hi Spock. Where you are off to in such a hurry?" He said coolly, his arms crossing over his chest.  Spock did not answer but made an effort to maneuver around the doctor, but McCoy stepped quickly blocking his  path.

 Spock sighed.  "Doctor, I politely ask that you remove yourself from my path. I must make haste." 

McCoy raised an eyebrow, not making any attempt to move.  "Oh? And what is so important?"  

 Spock tried to step around the doctor again but McCoy stepped in time with him making it impossible for Spock to get around him.  Spock straightened up and raised his chin. "Not that it is any of your concern, but I am going to see the captain."

 McCoy narrowed his eyes at this. "Really?" he said feeling the heat of his temper flaring to life. "I can't fathom why? It's not like we are having a emergency or anything."

Spock met the doctor's eyes as he spoke. "It is of a personal nature and I repeat it does not concern you. Please stand aside."

 McCoy's eyes blazed bright in their anger. "The hell it doesn't concern me. I don't know what you are playing at Spock, but you have got some nerve.  See, I know about you and Jim and what happened this evening. In fact, I just spent the last two hours in his cabin consoling him and if you think that I'm just going to stand aside and let you upset him further, you have got another thing coming."

Spock blinked in surprise at the doctor's tone. He was used to McCoy's harshness and unbridled outbursts, but this was different. This was pure rage with a protective edge. Spock had never had this tone directed at him before. He tried to speak but he was cut off.

 "You know Spock for all our differences I have always considered you to be a friend and someone I have held a lot of respect for up till now. You and Jim had something good and yet the first chance you get you throw him off like an old overcoat for some Vulcan pussy."

 As McCoy spoke, Spock shook his head, his eyes wide at the doctor's words. "No." he said quietly knowing full well that everything that he heard was true. 

McCoy heard Spock and went in for the next round. "No? No what, Spock? No, you didn't break Jim's heart? No, you didn't leave him for some pretty face that you just met? No what, Spock?"

 Spock opened his mouth to defend himself, but he could not find the words. Doctor McCoy was right and this knowledge was like a knife in Spock's side.  McCoy paid no mind to the expression of defeat on the Vulcan's face, but continued his berating. "You know Spock, you always go on and on about how Jim is "your captain," but guess what?  He is my captain too, as well as a dear friend and if I have to fight you to protect him I will. I know you're stronger than me, but I don't care. If you push me I will bring you to your knees. So tell me one more time to move and see what happens."

 Spock stepped back from McCoy and his fierce expression.  He licked his lips and tried again to talk. "Doctor, please.  I have made a mistake and I must talk to Jim. Please."

McCoy's expression softened at Spock's tone and words, but he did not move.  "I see. Well Spock there is old saying.  You made your bed, now sleep in it. I am sorry, but you did this to yourself."

Spock nodded his head. He lowered his eyes, turned and made his way back to his quarters. McCoy watched him go, shaking knowing that he had just hurt one friend to save another. He uncrossed his arms and swore under his breath as he continued back to his cabin.

  
Once there he pulled out a bottle of bourbon and poured a healthy measure into a glass. He sat down on his bunk, sipping from the glass slowly, feeling the alcohol dribble warmly down his throat. Chewing on his lower lip McCoy replayed over in his mind what just transpired, wondering if he didn't just make big mistake.


	6. Premature Congratulations

"Now that is just sad." Janice Rand commented shaking her head.  Beside her Christen Chapel nodded slowly. 

Turning back around in his chair Chekov remarked, "I'm embarrassed for him."  
  
"I hear that, Pavel." Sulu said, also turning in his seat. 

At the end of the table Scotty spoke. "Here now. That is no way to talk about your captain."  Chekov and Sulu both slumped in their chairs looking abashed. 

Rand on the other hand scowled. "Well, that is no way for a captain to be acting." She snapped.  
  
Scotty turned his head to take in the sight of their captain, making a face. "Aye." He muttered.  Beside him Uhura had a worried frown on her face.  They all took in the sight before them. Three tables down sat their captain, surrounded by young ensigns and lieutenants, all of them gazing adoringly at their commanding officer as he grinned and winked while he unfurled a story of some away mission in the past.  
  
As Kirk sat with his young and captive audience, to one side of the mess hall in a corner and completely alone sat Spock, making a point not to notice his captain or the company he was keeping.  The whole spectacle was pitiful.  
  
"Leonard. Can't you do something?" Rand asked. 

Doctor McCoy looked up from the his dinner. "Like what?" He said scowling. 

"I don't know. Talk to them? Tell them they both behaving like children. I mean look." She pointed.  "The captain is throwing himself at every young thing on the ship and Spock is sulking, for lack of a better work, and it is ridiculous."  
  
McCoy shook his head setting down  the spoon his was holding. "Forget it. I have meddled enough with those two and no more. If they want to behave like this, then I am not going to stop them."

At this Chapel gave the doctor a pleading look. "Oh Leonard, don't be like that. They are your friends and they are miserable."  She said.  
  
"What do you mean 'you have meddled enough'? What did you do?" Rand piped in giving McCoy a shrewd look. 

McCoy cleared his throat,  sitting up in his chair. "Well, that night when it happened. I was leaving the captain's quarters and ran into Spock. It turns out he was regretful about what he had done and was on his way to make up with the captain. I stopped him. I chewed him out then and there in the corridor.  I told that he had made his bed, so he had to sleep in it."  He looked around the table at the incredulous stares and grimaced.  
  
"Oh. My. God."  Said Rand  
  
"Leonard, no." said chapel  
  
"Oh doctor." said Uhura  
  
"You said that?" Asked Sulu  
  
"I kan not beliewe that." said Chekov  
  
"You dun really screwed the pooch on that one, Doctor." said Scotty.  
  
McCoy, his face pinched in anger, held up his hand to quiet them.  "Alright, alright. I get it. I was wrong. I should have kept my mouth shut, but I'm not interfering anymore."  
  
"You dunna get a choice, now. You're in this up te your neck." Scotty said pointedly. 

"I agree. You interfered once keeping them apart.  You can do it again to get them back together." said Rand.  
  
"Oh come now. What do you want me do?" McCoy asked his eyes wide with disbelief.

"Well maybe if you just talk to them?" Chapel said calmly. 

"It wouldn't hurt." Sulu added.

"Yeah how much more damage could you do?"  Chekov added, earning him a meaningful look from Sulu.  
  
McCoy rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically. "Fine. I will talk to them, for all the good it will do."  Everyone smiled, delighted that he gave into them and McCoy returned with his own little up turn of the lips.  "What is the worse that could happen?" He muttered. 

"Don't ever ask. You never know." Rand said.  
  
At his lonely seat in the corner, Spock stood from the table and carried his tray to the recycler, pointedly not looking at Kirk as he passed the table where the captain sat, while Kirk noticeably did not watch as his first officer left the mess hall.  As this transpired, McCoy frowned again.  "This an't going to be easy." He drawled.  The others at the table frowned too. 

"Sure an't, doctor." Rand said.  
  
After a minute they watched as Kirk stood from where he sat, smiling and  placating the disappointed expressions around him.  "There you go, Leonard. Here is your chance." Rand said.

"What?" McCoy asked.

Beside him Chapel touched his arm. "Janice is right. Talk to the captain, now. Tell him what happened and then go talk to Spock. It will give the captain time to process everything and then you can  get them talking."  
  
"Oh all right, but I can I finish my dessert first?" McCoy pointed to the tiny bowl of chocolate pudding in front of him.  

Rand made a face, but said, "Fine."  Everyone chuckled at this little exchange; feeling relived that now maybe something would be done to make things right between their captain and first officer.  
  
******  
  
Captain Kirk wandered the corridors of his ship, his head swimming.  Since the night Spock left him, he had thrown himself into his work, perfecting the art of captaining a starship. He had also taken to responding to any attention he received.  When he told Spock that there would  be a  line a mile long of people wanting to take his place, Kirk had just  been talking out of anger.  What he did not realize was that it was true and so many of them were younger crew members that had developed hero worshiping crushes on thier captain. They flocked to him in droves and for the most part Kirk didn't mind. Not that he was serious about any of thier advances, but felt nice to be wanted and to flirt.  
  
"Jim." Kirk turned at the sound of his name and saw running down the hall toward him was Doctor McCoy. 

He gave his friend a smile and stopped, waiting for him to catch up. "Evening Bones. Out for a little spin?" 

McCoy stopped beside Kirk and glared. "Har har Jim. No I was looking for you."  
  
"Well here I am. What can I do for you?" Kirk smiled as they resumed walking.  Kirk placed his hands behind his back and McCoy copied the gesture.

"Well Jim, I wanted to talk to you.  Now it maybe something you don't want to talk about, but just hear me out, okay."  
  
Kirk shot McCoy a sidewise glance. "Okay. Shoot Bones." 

McCoy took a deep breath and started. "Alright. Jim that night that you and Spock..."  
  
 "What about that night?" Kirk cut him off. 

McCoy sighed. "Let me finish Jim. Please?" McCoy was relieved when Kirk said nothing else, but nodded for his friend to continue.  "Anyways, that night as I was leaving your quarters, I ran into Spock. He was on his way to see you."  
  
"See me? Why?" Kirk asked his voice crisp his word short and clipped sounding.

"I'm getting to that."  

Kirk stopped in the corridor.  "Then perhaps you should get on with what you are trying to tell me." Kirk's face was like stone and McCoy quickly rolled his eyes upwards in silent prayer.  
  
"Well Jim it turns out that Spock was coming to see you because he realized he made a mistake. He was going to make up with you, but I stopped him. I told him that he was to leave you alone. Hell I even threatened him.  I have felt bad about it since, because I realized afterwards that I was wrong and I thought that you should know. "  
  
McCoy watched Kirk's unmoving face for a few seconds waiting for a response.   Finally Kirk inhaled deeply. "You are right, Bones. You were wrong. I deliberately told you not to interfere, which you completely disregarded. I do not need you to protect me. Not from Spock, not from anyone. I should put you on report, but since this was of a personal nature I won't."  
  
Kirk's full on captain mode took McCoy surprise. "Okay and you are right. I should have kept my big mouth shut, but Jim... What about Spock?  He was going to apologize to you and made it right. Doesn't mean anything to you?"  
  
Kirk's face hardened. "Should it? I will be honest with you Bones, it doesn't matter to me one way or the other about what happened between Commander Spock and me. It happened and it was nice while it lasted but it is over and I am not man who backtracks."  
  
McCoy shook his head in disbelief.  "You poor sad soul. You put on this brave face, but you miss him. Everyone on the ship knows it. You wear  your heart on your sleeve and we can all see that you're hiding you pain, but you are breaking the hearts of your crew as they watch you make a fool of yourself."  
  
Kirk's face had turned red and he blurted out, "That is enough.You listen to me, Doctor.  I don't care what happened that night. I am still your captain and I will not stand here a have you talk to me like that.  Now unless you really do want me to put you on report I suggest you retire for the night and leave me be."

  
McCoy pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes. "Aye, aye captain." With that McCoy spun on his heels and left.  Kirk stood watching him go and he started to shake. He exhaled not realizing that he had been holding his breath and he leaned against the hull of the ship.  
  
Kirk leaned his head back, covering  his face with his hands.  Now that his friend wasn't staring him in the face, Kirk started to process what he was just told. Spock had been coming to see me and Bones stopped him. Kirk thought to himself. Of course Bones did, because that was Bones's nature. He didn't like to see people hurt and he would have lashed out at Spock at first chance.  
  
"Damnit, Bones. I told you to leave it alone." Kirk mumbled into his hands.  Not only had the doctor involved himself making thing an even bigger mess,  but he told Kirk about Spock wanting to make things right. This reopened the wound that Kirk had so far had done a good job of ignoring. Now it throbbed and stung anew.  
  
Spock wanted to make things right... Kirk ran this thought over his head. Maybe he should go talk to Spock. And say what? "Hey Spock.  So McCoy told me about him mouthing off to you that night and that you wanted to make up with me. Now I know that you and everyone else have been watching me flirt with anyone that so much as told me good morning, but I think we can put that behind us now. So you wanna kiss and make up?"  
  
Kirk winced, quite sure that after the way he had been acting lately, Spock would not want to hear it. So what now, Kirk? As he pondered his situation a voice cut through his thoughts. "A penny for your thoughts, Captain?" Kirk jumped and looked around expecting to see a tall slim figure with shiny black hair and pointed ears.  
  
He was partly right. The figure he saw standing in the corridor was indeed tall and his hair was black. But the ears were round like his and though there did not seem to be an ounce of fat on him, he was not slim.  The young man smiled nervously as Kirk stared at him. "I'm sorry captain I didn't mean to interrupt you,"  He chuckled, his blue eyes shining.  
  
Kirk blinked and swallowed. Realizing that his mouth was hanging open, he closed it quickly. "No, it's quite alright," he took a quick look at the stripes on the young man's red tunic."Lieutenant." Kirk flashed a dazzling smile and was given one in return, causing the young man's lightly freckled nose to wrinkle for second and his eyes to sparkle. Kirk was mesmerized by not just the smile but the well sculpted cheek bones, the firm line of the jaw and the gorgeous double clef in the strong chin.  
  
Kirk watched a hand go up and run its fingers through the messy black hair.  "I don't believe that style is regulation, Mister."  Kirk said jovially. 

"Uh? Oh, yeah. I assure you that it was fine this morning when I left my quarters, but you can only scratch your head at a warp core so many times before your hair does this."  He smiled again and Kirk returned it easily, feeling a bit lighted headed as he did. 

Licking his lips, Kirk stepped closer to the young man.  "So you're one of Scotty's boys?  You will forgive me, but I don't believe I know your name Lieutenant."  
  
"Oh, sorry Sir. I just came aboard not too long ago. I should have introduced myself to you sooner, but it never seemed like a good time."  
  
Kirk laughed.  "Well now is as a good a time as any."  Kirk watched as the young man return his laughter.

"I think you are right, captain." He held out a hand to Kirk, "I am Lieutenant Sean Thomas, Sir."

Kirk took the hand and looked into those blue eyes. "Please to meet you, Mr. Thomas.  Even though you already know who I am, please allow me to give you a formal introduction.  Captain James T. Kirk,  but please call me Jim."  
  
Mister Thomas's eyes widened a little.  "Jim, uh? Well you are the captain and if that is order..." He trailed off his tone playful. 

"Oh it is." Kirk retorted his own voice oozing charm.

Mr. Thomas lowered his head still smiling. Then he looked at Kirk through thick black lashes."Well in that case, Jim, please call me Sean."  
  
"Gladly." Kirk said. He looked down and realized that they were still holding hands, no longer shaking them, but not letting go. Moving his index finger , Kirk stroked the underside of Sean's wrist. He was surprised when Sean copied the movement.  Kirk swallowed again. "So a penny for my thoughts? Do  you have a penny, Sean?"  Kirks voice was  low and dripped with honey.  
  
"I am afraid not. To be honest I didn't even know what a penny was till my granddad gave me his collection of antique coins."  As Sean spoke Kirk worked to control his breathing since  the feel of  Sean's finger  underside of his wrist was sending currents through his body.  
  
"Well that is a pity. I guess I won't be sharing any thoughts with you." Kirk remarked giving Sean his signature lopsided grin, complete with dimple.  
  
"That is a shame. I will have to find a penny to give you, because I would love to know what goes through the mind of the great Captain Kirk."   Sean said the blue of his eyes now reduced to thin strips, circling wide pupils.  
  
"Would you now? Tell me Sean, do you play chess?" Kirk asked.    
  
"Oh yes and I am very good at it." Sean remarked. 

Kirk licked his lips his eyes becoming almost pure gold in color.  "You would care to join me for a game and maybe a night cap in my quarters?"  
  
Sean leaned in towards Kirk over their still clasped hands. "I would be honored, Jim."  This close Kirk was able to see how beautiful his new friend was and suppressed a sigh.  
  
"Wonderful." Kirk said his voice sounding a dreamily.  Reluctantly Kirk pulled from Sean's grasp.  "Shall we?" Kirk titled his head. 

Sean nodded. "Lead the way, Jim." Down the hall they went, idly chatting neither able to stop looking at the other and on the way to his cabin Kirk had pushed aside his conversation with McCoy along with the questions that it brought.  
  
   
  
******  
  
   
  
McCoy rang the buzzer again on the door to Spock cabin, annoyed that Spock was ignoring him.  Finally McCoy decided to play dirty.  He pulled up the panel by the door and punched in his medical override code. The door slid open easily and McCoy stepping into the overheated quarters.  Rising from his place in front of his fire pot Spock was trying to no look as indignant as he felt.  
  
"Doctor! What is the meaning of this intrusion?" Spock stood straight towering over McCoy. 

"Well if someone would have answered the door, I wouldn't have had to use my code in order to let myself in."  
  
Spock stared the Doctor aghast at the human's blatant disregard for his right to be left alone.  McCoy placed his arms behind his back and stared back at the Vulcan.  Spock realized that since the doctor was now there, he would have to deal with him.  
  
"Are you going to answer my inquiry, doctor?"  Spock asked. 

"I was just getting to that, Spock. The reason that I am here is to tell you, that I was wrong when I stopped you from speaking with Jim and I am sorry about how I spoke to you that night."  
  
Spock stood there blinking.  He pressed his lips together and arched one brow. "I beg your pardon doctor, but I was not expecting this." 

McCoy smiled and nodded his head. "That is quite alright, Spock. Shall I give you a moment to process?"  
  
McCoy moved around Spock to take a seat at the multi-use table in the center of the room. 

Spock turned in place watching him.  "So you are apologizing for your words and actions that night?"  
  
"Yep. By the time I had gotten back to my rooms it dawned on me that I was wrong. I had no right to step in between you and Jim,  So I wanted to make amends.  I want to help you and Jim get back together."  
  
Spock lowered his head and turned away from McCoy moving back to his meditation mat. "No Doctor that is no possible.  It is as you said.  I did this to myself so I must deal with the consequences."

McCoy stood and touched a hand to Spock's arm. "Spock did you not hear me say I was wrong?"  
  
"I heard you quite clearly, but that does not change what I did nor how it impacted Jim. I... I have no right to interfere with his life any longer outside what is necessary for a professional relationship." Spock lowered his head and pulled away from McCoy.  
  
McCoy scowled.  "Dammit Spock. No wonder you and Jim fight so much. You are both too stubborn for your own good. Now you tell me that honestly you believe that crap you are spewing out..."  
  
Spock turned and regarded McCoy.  "Doctor,  I want more than anything to make things right with Jim, but I do not know if I should."

McCoy surprised by Spock uncertainly. "You should at least talk to him. I tell you Spock, Jim misses you.  You meant the world to him and now you two are no longer together as a couple, he is heartbroken. Just talk to him, and I bet you credits by the end of the night you two will on the path towards rebuilding."  
  
"Tonight? You think I should speak with him tonight?" Spock asked. 

McCoy bit his lip. "Well maybe not tonight. I talked him earlier and he got little upset, so maybe tomorrow night."

Spock seemed to consider this and then he spoke. "No doctor. If the situation is as you say it is, the best course of action would be to speak with Jim as soon as possible. To wait would be foolish."  
  
McCoy shrugged his shoulders. "Well I won't stop you, if you go and you have always had a calming effect on Jim." The doctor looked at the chronometer sitting on a nearby shelf.  "At this time Jim should be in his quarters, so if you are going, now would be the time"  
  
There was flicker on Spock's face and to McCoy it looked as if the Vulcan was smiling.  "Indeed. Thank you, doctor."  
  
McCoy held up a hand. "Please don't thank me Spock, because the only thing I did was make right what my big mouth made wrong. Now go on and after you two decide to play nice again, don't wear each other out."  
  
Spock blushed and looked taken aback.  McCoy just laughed and continued to do so as he followed Spock out of the room.  He stood giggling  as Spock made his way down the hall toward Kirk's cabin.  
  
For a minute McCoy considered following Spock but decided against it. There was no need. Spock would talk to Jim. Jim  would pout a little and then forgive Spock after which they would make their way to the bed. He would only be in the way.  
  
McCoy smiled to himself as he turned toward his own rooms, patting himself on the back for a job well done.  
  
******  
  
As Spock coursed through the corridors of the Enterprise his heart pounded in his sides at the thought of talking to Jim.  The feeling was a source of shame and yet he could not really bring himself to care. Why should he when a short while he would be back with Jim, and though he understood that his regret and apology would not make everything like it was, they could rebuild their relationship from there.  
  
He saw Jim's door just ahead and he quickened his steps. Suddenly the door of the cabin opened and instead of seeing his captain, Spock saw a tall, well-built attractive young man in a red tunic step out of the room,  with a finger in his mouth.  
  
Spock stopped and tilted his head to one side. He watched as the young man turn back toward the door and smile, removing the digit from his lips. There in doorway stood Jim, leaning out his hand pressed to the door jamb for support.  "So did you think about those, Sean?" Kirk asked.  
  
"I say that you're quite right about those being some the best damn candies in the universe. I had no idea that the Risains made chocolate."

Kirk laughed. "Believe me, if it give someone pleasure then Risains will have perfected it, making it better than anyone else."   Kirk smiled an open smile and Spock could see that his eyes were golden and suggestive. In fact everything about Kirk at that moment was suggestive.  Spock stood frozen in the hall, not knowing if he should continue with his objective or return to his quarters.  
  
"So is that brandy we drank from Risa too?" The young man's asked and Kirk laughed again, a merry sound that made Spock's heart ache. "No, that is pure honest to goodness Terrain, and really no one could make finer, even though Saurian brandy comes close. Of course it's all part of what I give my special guests."  
  
"Is that what I am?"  
  
Kirk chuckled and leaned a little further out of the door.  "You tell me?"  So bright and lovely was Kirk's smile, Spock felt the pulls of jealousy.  Who was this arrogant fool that Jim seemed compelled to give his attentions too? Spock balled his fists up until they hurt and his vision was edged with green.  
  
Before him, Spock continue to watch Kirk flirt with the handsome young man.  "So will you come back tomorrow? I have a lot more chocolate and brandy. All that is missing is some good company to share them with." Kirk  pushed off the door jamb and  stepped as close as he could  to the young man without actually touching. 

The young man smiled and winked. "Well you are in luck, because I just so happen to be great company and there is nothing I would like better then to come back tomorrow."  
  
There was moment where Kirk and the young man looked into each other's eyes. Then slowly the young man leaned down towards Kirk, his lips slightly puckered and Kirk closed his eyes lifting  his face  up.  From nowhere came the sound loud growl that ruined the moment.  
  
Kirk and the young man both looked around and locked eyes on Spock, who stood in the hall his face like granite.   The young man smiled and leaned back from Kirk.  "Commander. Good evening to you. Are you out for walk around the ship? I know it's one of my favorite past times."  
  
Spock regarded the young man as he marched forward.  "Evening Lieutenant. Captain." Spock nodded to each of them. 

The young man continued to smile, while Kirk frowned.  "Was there something you wanted Spock?" Kirk asked.  
  
Spock shook his head not taking his eyes of the young man.  "There was nothing I wanted...Tell me, I do not recall having met you before, what is your name?"  
  
The young man offered his hand to Spock. "You know I don't think that I introduced myself you either Mister Spock.  I am Lieutenant Sean Thomas, a pleasure to make your acquaintance."

Spock gave the out stretched hand an icy stare.  "Mr Thomas?" He seemed to think and then added, "Ah yes, a part of engineering. You were just recently assigned to the Enterprise."  
  
"That's right." Sean nodded. He saw the look Spock cast his hand and he lowered it, looking abashed.  Sean turned back to Kirk who was glaring hard at Spock, arms crossed over his chest. "Jim I had a lovely evening with you. I will stop back tomorrow 20:00. Is that okay?"  
  
Kirk tore his eyes way from Spock to look at Sean.  His expression softened and he gave the young man a smile. "I would love that, Sean. Have a good night."  
  
"You too Jim. Mister Spock, it was nice to meet you face to face like this. I hope you have a good night too." With that Sean was  gone.  Spock watched him go, his eyes trying to bore holes in the back of the young lieutenant's head.  
  
Kirk cleared his throat and Spock's attention was snapped back. "Jim." He said. 

"Spock, why are you here, really?" Kirk asked.  
  
Spock opened his mouth and started to tell Kirk everything, but something in Kirk's face told Spock that he really didn't want to hear it, none of it.  Spock shut his mouth and  inhaled deeply.  "I was taking a walk around the ship Jim."  
  
"Were you now? Why did you stop here? Why didn't you keep moving?" Kirk asked and Spock could not answer, not  without coming out with everything that weighed on his heart.

Instead he stepped back. "I'm sorry Captain I did not mean to disturb you and your company.  Have a good night, Jim."  
  
Before Kirk could respond Spock was heading down the hall back to the comfort of his quarters. 

  
******  
  
"You were supposed to talk to them. What happened, Leonard?"  McCoy looked from Rand to the table were Captain Kirk sat with a handsome lieutenant with black hair and striking blue eyes.  He watched as the two men talked and flirted, making them the envy of the everyone else in the mess hall.  
  
"I did talk to them. I talk to them both. Jim got a little pissy with me but Spock was going to go talk to Jim and make up. I have no idea what happened or who that is."  
  
"Well your guess is as good as mine, but the two of them are awful cozy wouldn't you say?" Rand said. 

"I would most certainly say so." Sulu commented.  Chekov nodded. 

McCoy frowned his brow knotted in confusion and  peered around the mess hall. "Where is Spock?" He asked.  
  
Everyone at the table looked at him  and shrugged. "No one has seen him since the end of alpha shift." Uhura supplied. 

McCoy wondering if Spock already knew about Jim's new friend. Something told him that he did know. "Oh boy." McCoy mumbled.  
  
"Well now what?" Rand asked.  Everyone turned their eyes to McCoy, the same question on their faces. McCoy sighed realizing that he more work ahead of him and that he  was premature in congratulating himself the night before.


	7. Concerns and Regrets

Captain Kirk hummed to himself as he signed off on another report. The leaning back in his chair, he placed his hands behind his head,  and started daydreaming about his new companion.  Every night for the past few weeks Kirk had spent his nights with Sean and the empty spot left in Kirk's heart by Spock's absence had gladly accepted Sean to fill the hole left there.  
  
Sean was a good fit too. Kirk found Sean to fun, humorous, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, and really good with his hands, in more ways than one. Of course they had not gotten that far, which Kirk wanted to remedy soon, but for now he was willing to settle for illicit thoughts and titillating fantasies.  He was in the middle of a pretty good one involving Sean, some candles and a tub butterscotch pudding when the chimes on his door sounded.  
  
The noise brought Kirk back to his senses and he stood trying to erase the linger image in his mind. "Come." He said. The door of the cabin opened and Dr. McCoy stepped in, a warm smile on his face. Kirk regarded the doctor for a moment remembering their last talk. "Evening Bones." He said at last.  
  
McCoy nodded his head . "Evening Jim. Don't mind me. I just wanted to stop by to say hello and see how you were doing." 

Kirk's relaxed his stance a bit and sat back down behind his desk. "I have never been better, Bones. Would you care for a drink?" He said given the doctor an easy smile.  
  
Doctor McCoy smiled a little wider. "I would love one Jim, but don't bother get back up. I know where you keep your brandy. Do you want one?" McCoy called over his shoulder has he made his way over to the cabinet where inside sat a decanter of brandy and several sniffers. 

"Sure, Bones." Kirk replied as he watched McCoy busy himself with the  task at hand.  
  
McCoy poured the drinks and handing one to his captain he sat down on the other side of the desk. "So, you doing alright?" McCoy inquired arching one eye brow, raising his glass to his lips. 

Kirk took a sip of his brandy and  raised his own eyebrow in return. "Like I said , never better. Why?"  
  
"Oh no reason. Just as your friend and CMO I thought I should check in with you that's all. Of course I could see you were doing just fine, what with your new "friend"."

Kirk looked down in to his glass, his mouth drawn tight. "So the other shoe has dropped. Come Bones out with it. What do you want to know?"  
  
"Know? What do you mean Jim?" McCoy asked his voice dripping with innocence.  

Kirk rolled his eyes at the doctor's act. "Bones..." He started but McCoy set down his glass and held up his hands.

"Alright, Jim.  Look before you start I just wanna say, I'm not here to meddle, pry, interfere, intrude, snoop, harass, bother, beleaguer, pester, annoy, drive you mad or any way wind you up, but with that said I am curious about what you have going on with this young lieutenant. "  
  
Kirk cross his arms and leaned back in his chair. "And that's  your business how?" He asked an edge to his voice. 

McCoy shook his head. "It's not, but like I said,  I am you friend and I like to know who my friends are cavorting around with, especially when said friend has just gotten out of a serious romantic relationship."

McCoy held Kirk's stare and Kirk signed. "Bones, Sean..." He started but McCoy interjected.

"Sean? Already on a first name bases with him? And does he call you Jim?" McCoy asked simply.  

Kirk nodded. "He does."  
  
"And what you are two doing when he calls you Jim?" McCoy watched as the color drained from his captain's face at his question.

Kirk sat up and slammed his fist down on the desk. "That is going too far Bones."  He did not yell, but the force in his tone made McCoy lean back a little in his chair and he raised his hands again.  
  
"Alright, Jim. You're right, that was a bit much but I'm worried about you. I don't mind that you have found someone else after Spock. It is good that you are able to move on, but I know you. You rush head first in to everything and it's a little too soon  for you to be forming anything serious" McCoy's voice was soft and Kirk stared down at the surface of his desk.  
  
"Bones. I know what I'm doing."  Kirk whispered not looking up.

McCoy twisted his mouth in thought. He looked as if he were about to say something more, but at the last minute changed his mind.  "Okay Jim." The doctor picked up his glass and lifted it toward Kirk. "To You and Sean." McCoy said with the ghost of a smile on his lips.  
  
Kirk did not raise he glass in the toast but instead watched as his CMO finished off the drink and stood up from the desk. Kirk stood as well and followed McCoy to the door of his cabin.  "Bones, I know you mean well, but you really don't have to fuss over me like a mother hen."  Kirk said softly.  
  
McCoy nodded his head and looked down at his hands.  "Of course. I'm just an old worrywart Jim, so don't mind me. I guess Sean will be coming over soon. It's the talk of the ship that you two have been spending your evenings together." After a pause McCoy added, "Just like you use to do with another officer we both know."  
  
"Goodnight Bones." Kirk said letting that last remark go and opening the door to his cabin. Outside the door his hand hovering  over the door chime, stood Sean. He looked from Kirk to the doctor and smiled brilliantly.  
  
"Good evening Doctor. Good evening Jim."  McCoy looked from the young lieutenant to the captain and rolled his eyes at the sappy, dopey looks on both faces.  
  
"Well speak of the devil. Good night Jim." McCoy said ducking his head as he left the room, gently pushing past Sean.  Both Kirk and Sean watched him go. Sean then turned to Kirk and laughed. "So you two were talking about me? I hope nothing incriminating."  
  
 Kirk was pulled out of his thoughts and he smiled at Sean. "Well anything that would incriminate you would incriminate me too."  With that Kirk took Sean's hand and pulled him into the cabin without another word spoke between them.  
  
   
  
*****  
  
 Mr. Spock sighed inwardly as his door chimed. He knew without question it would be the doctor and even though the idea of company was nice he would have preferred it not to be the doctor, but rather, if he could choose, Jim.  If it was Jim they could play chess while the captain would tell stories and jokes. Spock would sit and listen between moves, occasionally raising an eyebrow or blinking at something saucy, which would send Jim laughing. After a fashion they would tire of chess and start a new game.  
  
It would be the same game they had played since they first met, using prolonged eye contact and suggestive remarks to see who could make who break.  Before it had never been deliberate but after Aquis it had become part of their courtship. In the end it would not matter who had won because by then they would be pulling at each other clothes, pushing one another towards the bed.  
  
Spock sighed again.  So caught up in his own thoughts he did not hear his door open and the doctor step up his desk. "My god. Did I just hear you sigh, Spock? I wonder what other signs of the end I will get to witness before we are all consumed by unholy fire."  
  
Spock glanced up at Doctor McCoy and tired to keep the irritation from his voice. "Doctor, I would say it is good to see you but we Vulcans not inclined to lie." 

McCoy just smirked and let out a snort of laughter.  "Well I know at least you are doing alright when you can still trade barbs."  
  
"Indeed." Spock said turning back to the computer on his desk.

McCoy shook his head and took seat across from the Vulcan. "So how are you doing Spock?" He asked.  
  
"I am adequate." Spock intoned. 

When McCoy realized that Spock was not going to be forth coming with anything more he spoke again.  "Please forgive me for saying so but you look a little rough, like you haven't been sleeping."  
  
Spock did not bother look up as he replied.  "No Doctor I am sleeping just fine, though I will say I am having trouble meditating which is taking its toll on my mind and body." 

This caused McCoy to frown and worry lines to appear across his forehead "What do you think is keeping you from meditating, Spock?" He asked concerned.  
  
This time Spock did look up and in the light of the cabin, McCoy noticed that the Vulcan really did look bad. His eyes were sunk in with dark rings around them, his skin taken on a yellowish color, and his lips were thin and pale.  "Well there could be a number of reasons, but the main one I feel would be that every time I try, I envision myself strangling Mr. Thomas."  
  
McCoy's blue eyes went wide but he did not know what to say to that so he settled lamely with "Oh."

Spock nodded. "Oh indeed. I find the matter most distressing, since I normally do not wish to inflict violence on anyone, but the nature of Mr. Thomas's relationship with the captain seems to invoke something primal in me."  
  
McCoy blinked and then leaned forward, a mischievous smile suddenly on his lips. "You know Spock, that is what some people refer to as jealously. A very human emotion I might add."  
  
Spock narrowed his eyes at the doctor. "Thank you for that, doctor." he said before turning his eyes back to his computer screen. 

McCoy rolled his eyes and sighed. "Oh come off it Spock. That was  just a little  jibe at you. Beside I don't know why you have your panties in twist anyhow. You dumped Jim, remember, so why are you upset that he's moved on?" Not looking up Spock muttered something that McCoy could not quite hear. "I'm sorry Spock I didn't catch that."  

Spock closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. "I said, that I do remember, But I will say that that notion does not lessen what I am experiencing."  
  
McCoy nodded in sympathy but said nothing more. Silence filled the room before Spock looked up and arched an eyebrow at the Doctor.  "Doctor, what did you mean by my panties being in a twist?  I am given to understand that the term "panties"  is applied to female undergarments, and though I will admit Jim and I have indulged in certain things, I can honestly say the wearing of ladies clothing has not been one of them, at least not on my part. "  
  
McCoy smiled. "It just expression Spock, meaning why are you getting so riled up."  Spock nodded taking in this new expression when McCoy suddenly frowned and lean over the desk peering intently at Spock. " What a minute. Spock did you just imply..."

Spock quickly cut the doctor off. "I did not. I simply made a statement of fact about myself."  
  
McCoy's mouth hung open for a moment and then it sapped shut. "Never mind.  I really don't want to know." He said leaning back into his chair.

"Know what Doctor?" Spock asked

 "Exactly," McCoy said. "Why did you do it, Spock? Why did you break it off with Jim?"

Spock looking into the questioning gaze of the doctor and bit his lower lip.  "It is complicated." Spock said knowing that McCoy would scoff at that answer. 

In fact McCoy did scoff. "Complicated? Is that the best you can come up with Spock? No, really what was it? Were you really that interested in T'prida? Don't get me wrong. When I first saw her I would have knock someone down for a chance at her, but you and Jim... Well, you two seemed to had  more going for you than that."

Spock shook his head. "Doctor, there was more going on than I care to discuss with you."

McCoy shrugged his shoulder and crossed his arms over his chest. "Fair enough." He said. Then turning his head  slightly he muttered, "I guess we all should have seen it coming. I mean with what Jim use to tell me about your fights and all."  
  
This received Spock's full attention. "I beg your pardon?" He said.

McCoy looked back at Spock looking a bit bored. "What? Oh just that Jim would tell me about the fights you two would have and the little hissy fits you would throw."  
  
Spock was speechless.  He stared at McCoy his mouth slightly agape.  McCoy stared back waiting for Spock to speak. When he did it was in a low tone. "Vulcans do not have hissy fits."  
  
McCoy smirked. "That's just what Jim said." 

Spock blinked as his brow knotted. "He did?" 

"Yep.  You know no matter what you do Jim always defends you, but then you always defend him. The two of you balance each other out and I have never someone so head over heels as Jim is about you. No one was surprised by Jim wanting to take your friendship to another level, but no one expected you to reciprocate.  Not really, but you did and then just call off out of the blue, well it just don't make since except Jim thinks you don't love him and never have."  
  
 Spock sat in stunned  silence. "But that is not true."  He whispered.

McCoy uncrossed his arms and lean forward resting one arm on the desk. "He don't know that, Spock. Before this whole mess started he told me and I quote, ' He has not made one remark or given one hint of how he feels about me or our relationship. Not since our first night together.'"  
  
Spock looked down at his hands then back up to the doctor. "I see. Well Doctor the captain should know better. He knows that since I am a Vulcan I cannot..."  
  
"He knows that as Vulcan," McCoy butted in, "you are not going write love sonnets to him on the walls of the Enterprise, but when it just the two of you, alone, being intimate, he has the right to expect to hear some kind endearing term from you. Something! Hell even something as simple and sappy as you make me happy would suffice." Spock pulled his hands into his lap and suddenly looked very small.  McCoy licked his lips and in a softer tone added.  "Spock, what really happened between you and Jim?" 

Shaking his head  Spock said. " As I have said that is not something I wish to discuss with you."  
  
"Fine. Don't discuss it with me. Discuss it with Jim. He is as much in the dark about it as everyone else and he should know the truth." McCoy  gave Spock a pointed look as he spoke.  
  
"Doctor, I do not think that Jim would be interested in what I have to say. He seems otherwise occupied." Spock said. 

McCoy rolled his eyes and tapped on the desk. "Oh please Spock.  I don't care what little act he is putting on. If you went to him, confessed everything, and asked him to take you back, Mr. Thomas would be out on his ass in the corridor outside Jim's cabin wondering what the hell happened."  
  
Spock seemed to consider this. "If you say so Doctor. I have my doubts." Spock answered. 

McCoy just shook his head. "If that is what you want to believe then, fine. I will say no more about it."  And with that the Doctor stood proceeded to head towards the door.  
  
Spock watched him go all the while chewing on his lower lip. He wasn't sure what to believe about him and Jim.  He went back to his computer, but he was no longer paying attention. In his mind Jim was smiling as he mouthed out the words I love you.  
  
   
  
*****  
  
Kirk exhaled sharply as his back hit the wall, but he was given little chance to catch his breath before Sean planted his mouth to Kirk's lips.  As they kissed Kirk dug his finger in to Sean's shoulder and he sucked hungrily on the tongue invading his mouth. The moan that escaped Sean's lips made Kirk's ready and willing erection twitch excitedly.  
  
Sean pulled back from the kiss and ran his tongue along the edge of Kirk's jaw, causing Kirk 's eyes to roll back, letting out a little moan of his own.  He started to pull at the younger man tunic and with Sean's help it was removed and cast aside.  
  
Kirk marveled at the now bare flesh noting the light dusting of freckles across the shoulders and chest. He  rubbed his face along Sean's smooth skin savoring the feel of it on his cheek.   Sean smiled as ran his hands down from Kirk's back squeeze his buttock, giving it a hard squeeze, causing the captain to gasp. "You know I think we should moved this to your bunk, Jim." Sean whispered in Kirk's ear.  
  
Kirk shivered. "Oh I think that is an excellent suggestion."  As one they stumbled to Kirk's bed fall on to it. Sean found himself on top and he stripped Kirk of his gold jersey and proceeded to  run his mouth over the newly exposed flesh.   Kirk moved his hands over Sean' back, raking it with his nails as he sighed and panted under Sean's attention.  
  
Moving his face back level with Kirk's, Sean peered into those Amber orbs while Kirk stared back it Sean's blue ones.  "You know you are gorgeous." Sean said running his thumb over Kirk's  lower lip.

Kirk smiled. "I was just getting ready to say the same thing about you."  
  
This made Sean laugh. He dove in attacking Kirk's mouth with his own forcing a moan from the captain as he closed his eyes, bucking his hips under  Sean.   Sean responded by kissing harder and  grinding his own erection on Kirk's. Kirk hands found themselves buried in Sean's dark hair letting his fingers entwine in the thick dark hair.  
  
When the kiss broke Sean lowered himself down Kirk's torso lapping and biting as he went. He stopped at one of Kirk's pectorals and licked his lips. "Doesn't this look like a treat." Sean cooed and Kirk gasped happily as Sean took a nipple into his mouth.  
  
Arching  his back, Kirk titled his head back panting, his body awash with bliss.  He wrapped his arms around Sean's body clamping him down his chest. Sean responded by nipping the bud in his mouth, then running his tongue over the sensitive areola.  Kirk lifted his knees, opening his legs wide, pushing his groin into Sean. His eyes were half hooded,  his mouth in a O pleasure and completely lost to the sensations.  
  
"Oh yes,  that's good. Don't Stop, please. Oh Spock!"  Suddenly everything froze. Kirk stared in wide eyed horror as the echo's of what he said died around him. Sean, in mid-lick, retracted his tongue, propped himself up on one elbow and  raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Uh Jim, did I just hear you call me by Mr. Spock's name?" 

Kirk sat up swiftly. "No." He said a little too fast. Then he forced a chuckle. "You must be hearing things, because I said Oh Sean. Really."  
  
Sean  sat up and crossed his legs on the bunk,  giving Kirk a skeptical look. "Jim, you really expect me to believe that?"  He asked.

Kirk opened his mouth but then closed it and sighed. "No, Sean I do not."  
  
Suddenly Sean found  Kirk wrapped around his  waist and his head buried in his lap. "Oh Sean. I'm sorry I don't know what happened, but I did not mean for that to come out. Please don't angry with me." Sean stared down at the man in his lap and started stroked Kirk's hair.  
  
"Oh Jim, why would I be angry? I am concerned though and I didn't want to bring this up but now I think maybe I should. What happened between You and Mr. Spock? "  
  
Kirk frowned. "Sean I really can't talk about that." He whispered.

Sean continued to pet Kirk's hair with soft easy strokes.  "Are you still in love with him?" Kirk said nothing.  The young lieutenant peered down with a look of sadness on his face. "I see." He said. Kirk swallowed and nodded.

  
They sat in silence for the longest time when Sean gently  moved Kirk from his lap and slipped off the bed.  Numb, Kirk watched as Sean dressed and headed for door. Before he could push the button to open it, Kirk leapt from where he was and rushed at Sean.  
  
"Wait! Please don't go." He pulled Sean towards him and  buried his face in his  neck.  Sean pulled back and gave Kirk a bittersweet smile. Tears fored in Kirk's eyes. "Please, don't leave. I need you."  
  
Sean closed his eyes shaking his head. Opening his eyes again he pulled Kirk forward and placed a chaste kiss on his lips. "No Jim. It's not me you need. I wish that it were and  I can't stay with you if still love him. Do you understand?"  
  
Sean placed a hand gently to Kirk's cheeks and Kirk nuzzled it, nodding his head,  shutting his eyes. Tears ran down his face and pooled into Sean's open palm.  He felt Sean moved his hand away and when Kirk opened his eyes again, he saw that the young lieutenant was also crying.  
  
"So this is goodbye then." Kirk said wiping  a cheek with the back of his hand.

Sean nodded and gave another sad little smile. "Yeah, but if things change and you find you're really are over Mr. Spock, please let me be the first to know."  Kirk pressed his lips tight and nodded quickly.  
  
Swiftly Sean leaned in and gave Kirk one last kiss on the cheek and then he was gone.  Kirk stared at the door to his cabin and felt his heart crumble into dust.  Spock was gone and now so was Sean. He was completely alone.  
  
Kirk went to his bunk and picked up his discarded tunic slipping it back over his head. He wrung his hands and paced about unsure about his next move. He thought about calling McCoy but with the way he had treated the Doctor of late that might not be the best idea, plus he did  not want to answer the barrage of questions that would come with the doctor, so Kirk simply went to his desk and sat.  
  
He sat  for he wasn't sure how long before he turned his head and saw the pile of reports and manifests next to his computer. He picked up a red disk and slipped it into the slot of the computer. As the computer glow lit up his face, Kirk felt his shoulder's square and resolve stiffen. He may have lost both Spock and Sean, not to mention pushed away the only other real friend he had, but by gods he still had his ship and the Enterprise will never let him down or leave


	8. Confessions Come Too Late

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: OMG! An update! I apologize so much for this taking so long to post. I took on some other projects and bit off more than I can chew. This isn't as long of a chapter as I wanted but I wanted to get something out, to let you wonderful people know that I had not abandoned this piece. Once again I think you for your patience with me and I will do my best to get this updated again a lot sooner.

Spock stared down at his plate of food, it's brightly colored shapes holding no appeal. He pushed his lunch tray away and glanced around the mess hall.  It was crowded and littered with gold, red and blue clad personal talking and eating, over all enjoying their midday break from the stress of severing on a starship.  As he scanned the room he stopped at the only other person, beside himself that was sitting alone.

It was his captain,  hunched over his food,  his chin in his hand as he poked at his food with a fork. The sight made Spock frown, his heart going out to his captain. He was used to being by himself, but Jim was not and Spock could only imagine what was going through his captain's mind. 

As Spock watched Kirk brooded, he could feel the now all too familiar pangs of loss. It was at that moment that Kirk looked up from his meal and his gaze met with Spock's.  As they locked eyes both felt a rush of heat to their faces and each turned away quickly.  Spock chided himself for this very illogical reaction.

He shook his head and  slowly so not to get caught again looked over to were Kirk was sitting.  Kirk was staring at the table he sat at, morosely eating what looked to be a brownie with little sign of enjoyment. Spock  turned around from the sight of his captain and  thought.

In his mind he heard Doctor McCoy telling him to talk to Jim, to tell him what happened and how he felt.  For a week , Spock contemplated those words,  if he should take that course of actions and at that moment, seeing Jim sitting alone Spock decided that he would do just that.  He stood from his little table off to the far side of the mess, dumped his uneaten lunch in the recycler and strode toward where the captain was sitting.  As he approached the table, Kirk seemed to stiffen and he set down the mostly eaten brownie, straightening his posture.  

"Mr. Spock. What can I do for you?" Kirk said.

Spock stood with his hands behind his back. "Captain if you will forgive this intrusion, I have found that there is something of great importance that I need to speak to you about and I ask that I be allowed to meet with you in your quarters after shift this evening."   Spock waited while Kirk narrowed his eyes and twisted his mouth.

Finally the captain shrugged, "w\Well if it is important I do not see why not. Be at my cabin no later than 21:00 hours, Mr. Spock."

Spock nodded. "Thank you Captain. I assure you I will not be late."  With one final nod of his head Spock turned on his heels and left the mess.

 

*****

Kirk paced his cabin. It was two minutes until 21:00 and he was anxious about Spock's arrival. In truth he both desired and worried about seeing his first officer.  He had tried to sit, complete some work while he waited but he could not concentrate.

He looked at the Chronometer as the door to his quarters buzzed. Right on time. "Come." He called and watched as Spock stepped into the room assuming his normal stance of parade rest before him.   Kirk exhaled slowly and placing his hand behind is back he approached Spock with measured steps. "Mr. Spock." 

"Captain," Spock answered.  Both men looked away finding it difficult to continue now that the matter of formalities was out of the way. 

Kirk cleared his throat and brought his hands together in front of him. "Well Spock, what was it you needed to talk to me about?" That seemed like a good place to start Kirk figured and he watched as Spock's eyes turned to meet his. 

"Captain," Spock started but then stopped frowning slightly. "No, that is not right. Please allow me to start again. Jim."  Spock said Kirk's name like a caress and Kirk shivered shutting his eyes.  When He opened them again Spock had moved closer to him an intent expression on his face. Kirk stepped back wondering if Spock would step forward to close the gap between them again, but he did not.

Instead Spock started to speak again. "Jim, what I need to discuss with you is of grave importance. It is the matter of, " here Spock paused again, "Us," he finished. 

Kirk shook his head. "There is no us, Spock," he said quietly. 

At this Spock did step forward. "There was and there still is, it is just broken, Jim."

 "No there isn't," Kirk said while he moved backwards.

Spock moved forward his arms coming out behind him reaching for his captain. "Jim please..." Spock extended him hand to touch Kirk's arm but Kirk slapped it away shouting.

"There is no "us"! You saw to that!" Kirk stared at Spock breathing heavy, his face red,  though seeing the hurt in Spock's face he was forced to turn away.  Kirk brought one hand to his mouth and repeated, " there is no us."

From where he stood Spock took a deep breath and walked up to his captain. In bold move that surprised Kirk, Spock took his shoulder and spun the human  around to face him.   Spock held Kirk there before he said, "You are correct Jim. What we had was ruined by me and my actions.  I am sorry and I would like your forgiveness."

Kirk blinked and stared at Spock, his arms falling to his sides.  Licking his lips he whispered, "Why, Spock? Tell me why and I will consider forgiving you."  For a second Kirk thought that the Vulcan would turn and flee, but Spock only pulled Kirk closer to him, wrapping his arms around the stocky frame, one hand pressing the other man's head to his chest.

"If that is what it will take, then so be it.  It is only right that you understand. You have told me so many times that in your eyes I am perfect and so many times I have tried to tell you I am far from it.  This is just another example of my imperfection and how it runs my life."

As he spoke Spock stroked Kirk's hair while Kirk nestled in hollow of Spock's neck simply listening to Vulcan speak.  "As you know Jim, I am of two minds about everything because of my heritage and though I do not always show it, my dual nature makes certain aspects of my life difficult."  Spock laid his cheek on the top of Kirk head and nuzzled the golden curls before continuing.

"When we first came together I was pleased, overjoyed even, but as things progressed my dual nature caught up with me. My Human half was happy to continue with how things were going, but my Vulcan half was not. I began to question the logic of our relationship." In Spock's arms Kirk stiffened. 

"I wanted to ignore those thoughts, to cast them aside so content I was with you and what we had, but when I did so it would spill over in other ways. We would fight,  I would mistreat you and you would be hurt wondering what you did wrong. It was not fair to either of us.  I would meditate on the issue but could not find a logical solution. Then I met T'Prida."

Spock clung to Kirk tighter as Kirk started to shake.  He began rocking the two of them side to side in an attempt to sooth his captain.  "T'Prida seemed to interested in me and I found appeal in her as well, though later I would come to realization that both our attractions were superficial, but at the time my Vulcan half seemed compelled towards her.  That coupled with my already agitated state of reasoning, I decide that the best thing would be end our relationship."

"But once I had ended everything between us and I learned what T'prida really wanted from me, I realized the mistake I had made in breaking off our relationship, because no matter how illogical half of myself found our relationship to be, the other half knew that it was what I wanted and needed the most. I tried to come back to you that night, but as you now know Doctor McCoy seen fit to stop me. I can't not say that I blame him."

Spock paused and stood still. "Jim?" Spock said

 Kirk pushed away from Spock and peered at him, his face a mask of contemplation. "So, what you are telling me is that you broke up with me, because you had decided that it was the logical thing to do. That being with me was illogical, but now you have decided that you were wrong and I'm supposed to forgive you?"

"Well Jim you see, " But Spock did not get to finish that line because Kirk's open hand came up and struck him across the face. The blow stung and was hard enough to  turn his head.  Spock did not move, but stared wide eyed and opened mouthed at nothing while Kirk messaged life back in his hand.

"How dare you decide what is or is not best for me based on your so called logic. I cannot believe that on a whim,  because taking me as your lover was no longer logical to you, you cast me off like that and now here you are trying to explain your actions like some kind of math problem, because _now_ it's logical again for us to be together ." Kirk was shouting and  there was a hint of tears in his eyes. Holding his hand to his chest,  he continued on his rant.

"You have the gall... there aren't even words Spock for how hurt I am, because that is what I am Spock. Hurt. You hurt me to no end and now you come to me seeking forgiveness because, oh never mind you were wrong and everything that happened can just be ignored? So, let's say I do forgive you? Then what? Will you ask me to take you back? And let's say that I do? How long will it be before _you_ decided that it's not logical and leave me again? I am sorry Spock, but I can't, I won't go through that again." 

 "Jim," Spock said as he reach back for his captain but Kirk slapped his hand away.

"No Spock. No, just go. Leave. Get out of my quarters." Kirk said turning his back on his first officer. 

Spock He took Kirk by the shoulders and forced him to face him. In Spock grip Kirk struggled. "Let me go, Spock," He growled through clench teeth, but the Vulcan would not loosen his grip.  Kirk struggled harder twisting and  pulling, getting nowhere, tears started to fall from his eyes. "Please Spock let me go. Leave me be. Haven't you done enough?"

Spock stared at Kirk as his captain fought against him. "No. I have not, because I have not yet  conveyed to you how deep my regret is. How far my pain goes.  I do not expect that you would receive me back in your life as your lover but know this. That night after I left you in that conference room, after I went to T'prida, after she told me of her plans for me and her, I realized something very important."

Here Kirk stopped his struggling and peered at Spock. Slowly Spock released one arm and cupped Kirk face and held it gently.  Kirk looked into those dusky eyes and felt his resolve crack. "Spock..."

"Shhh Jim. Please listen," Spock said. Kirk nodded his head slowly.  Spock leaned in and pressed his forehead to Kirk's. "I realized that you James T. Kirk, are my mate. Not just my lover or companion, but my mate and intended.  You would perhaps refer to the term "soulmate," but on Vulcan the term is "t'hy'la." You are my t'hy'la, my one and only."

Kirk stared in stunned silence, before he leaned away from Spock.  "That's nice and all Spock, but it still doesn't change what happened or how I feel. I mean you say that now, but the whole time we were together you only  once told me you loved me. That's it. I know it's a lot to ask of you, but I need to hear it. I need that reassurance. I cannot just assume that you love me, and I shouldn't have to. You should be able to tell me."

Spock bit his lip frowning his brow  wrinkled. "Jim, I..." he started to speak but the words died on his lips. 

Kirk let out mirthless laugh. "See, even now you can't say it."

Spock looked dismayed at Kirk's words and he pulled back from Kirk. Then his eye went wide and  pulled Kirk to him once again.

"What you say is true. It is hard for me to say that to you, but I don't need to say it. Jim, if you allow me one indulgence?" 

"What would that be?"

"I wish to perform a mind meld with you Jim. I feel it would best convey what needs to addressed." 

For a beat Jim said nothing then he shook his head. "No, Spock."  Jim's tone was like iron.

Spock flinched. "May I inquire as to why you deny my request?"

Jim sighed and brought a hand to his forehead.  "Because Spock,  I'm tired. I want this to be done and we are just digging into this deeper than it needs to be, so let's just let go, knowing what we now know and we can go back to being ship mates."

Spock blinked.  "Very well, Captain.  Please excuse me, I will take my leave.  Good night."

"Good night, Commander." Jim did not look at Spock as he spoke.  He faced the opposite wall holding his breath, and  listened as Spock left the room. When he heard the door shut, he exhaled and turned around. He looked about his cabin and for the first time ever thought of it as too quiet, too empty.

He stood there in the center of his cabin and let his mind wander, then took a deep breath. Pulling at his tunic, he moved toward his door.  He had a ship to run and there were so many other thing he could be doing other than sulking in his cabin.


End file.
